Headlines scream: Deron Williams signs to play in Turkey! Kobe next?

Are you kidding me? Do you know what these numbers are? 9, 13, 8, 23, 16, 19, 12, 22, 0, 7, 5, 21, 23, 23, 10. Those are the 211 playoff games Kobe has played in the 15 seasons since he came into the league. Add them up, that's more than 2.5 extra NBA campaigns. Throw in preseason affairs (I should say games), a little international competition, and Kobe has played the equivalent of over 18 NBA seasons. He has bad knees, and recently flew to Germany just to secure special treatment from some witch doctor.

And sportswriters/bloggers/broadcasters are buying into this? You've got to be kidding me. The story is dead on arrival. It's a carcass. The vultures have come and gone because there is no meat on the bone.

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Here are 38 things that will happen before Kobe signs to play on a team in Turkey, or anywhere else abroad, for that matter.

1) Istanbul gets an NBA franchise ...
2) Mel Gibson becomes a rabbi ...
3) Obama caught in a love nest with Michelle Bachmann ...
4) Fox News throws a free Prius at every staffer ...
5) Phoenix dust storm proven to have come 14 minutes after Sir Charles ate Tex Mex (totally irrelevant to the 38 things, but still was incredible)…
6) Roger Clemens gets inducted into the Hall of Fame, his name engraved by a syringe…
7) Tim Tebow caught naked on UPorn…
8) Exxon Mobil admits they f%#^$d up again…
9) NHL awards every seventh game of any series to Vancouver ...
10) Celtics, Lakers hold co-family reunion…
11) Eighty percent of NBA players demand marijuana edibles as part of pre-game meals in new CBA ...
12) Phil Jackson returns to coach the Timberwolves ...
13) Tiger Woods fires Steve Williams, hires a stripper to carry his bag…
14) The A.L. wins another 425 straight All Star Games, or was it only 424?
15) "Hallo, my name Inigo Montoya ... you killed my father ... I'll let you go on time served and good behavior" ...
16) Tom Brady goes to the Agassi 'do' ...
17) Terrell Owens becomes a U.S. ambassador, hopefully to a country far, far away without a web connection…
18) Drew Rosenhaus goes with him ...
19) David Stern admits he fixed the Patrick Ewing lottery…
20) Fans swarm preseason NFL games because, you know, there’s no better entertainment value in sports…
21) Al Davis admits he died nine years ago ...
22) Rupert Murdoch admits he tapped Abraham Lincoln's voice mail back when they played AYSO together ...
23) New York realizes it's already sick of Larry David, takes him to dinner with Jimmy Hoffa (okay, this could happen soon) ...
24) Carmelo gets a stop ...
25) Dirk goes Old School, changes his name to Dirk E. Fresh…
26) Kobe decides the whole "Vanessa thing" was a mistake, asks Roy Williams to help him get his ring back ...
27) Sportswriters stop making incredibly tired references about "taking their talents" somewhere ...
28) Dan Snyder of the Redskins stops painting his toenails (yup, he really does, I know someone who's seen it) ...
29) Scottie Pippen changes course again, says Steve Kerr was greatest player of all time ...
30) Frank McCourt wins for Best Owner at the Espy ...
31) LeBron hires me to help him craft grand, all-encompassing mea culpa ... then asks what mea culpa means ...
32) Nancy Grace reveals she was teased relentlessly as a teenager…
33) Kevin Love breaks the high jump record ...
34) John Calipari runs a completely clean program (sorry, Cal, not buying it) ...
35) Jim Buss can't remember hiring Mike Brown, says it must have been a bad dream ...
36) Mitch Kupchak says he loves working for Jim Buss, because Jim deserves to be running the greatest NBA franchise of the past 30 years ...
37) AEG admits they are trying to sell the Los Angeles Kings (take my word for it… they have approached someone I know… but they won’t admit it publicly… YET)…(Parentheses Part 2! Did I actually sneak a news story into this column?) ...
38) Kobe becomes a flight attendant for Turkish Airlines ...

Kobe Bryant will not play for any team in Turkey. Kobe is the Brett Favre of the NBA. He loves the attention. He wants the courtship. He loves the global headlines. It's both narcissistic and strategic. More global headlines translate to more ancillary revenue.

The very accomplished Adrian Wojnarowski of Yahoo! Sports writes: "Bryant loves the European game, loves the culture, and is far more inclined to explore signing overseas than most of the NBA's superstars. Bryant has his arthritic knees of a soon-to-be 33-year-old body to deal with, but he planned to work hard in the gym this summer, and the fairly sparse schedule of a EuroCup League team could hold its appeal."

Operative word "could." But even Adrian must know it will never happen.

At most, Kobe will gather a group of guys and barnstorm a bit to make some money and stay in shape. Play a few games in China, maybe even Japan to raise money for earthquake victims. That would make for a nice story. But Kobe knows if he's ever going to get that Jordanesque sixth ring, he'll need the rest. In fact, a shortened season could help the Lakers immensely, and Kobe knows that better than anyone. He doesn't need the money, and even if he just wants some time away from home, it won't be under contract.

We'll all be eating shish kebob on Thanksgiving before Kobe follows Deron Williams to Turkey, or anywhere, for that matter.

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