The PostGame

Texas Tech has banned the sale of T-shirts being sold which bear the likeness of Michael Vick hanging rival Texas A&M’s canine mascot. Text on the front of the shirts reads “VICK ‘EM”, a reference to the Aggies’ “Gig ‘em”, which has been confirmed as a terrible, terrible slogan. The back of the shirt shows a football player in a No. 7 Michael Vick jersey holding a rope with the Aggies’ mascot Reveille hanging at the end of a noose.

The creator of the shirts, who is a member of the Theta Chi fraternity (motto: “Now with 20% more circle jerks”), admitted responsibility and that the shirts should not have been printed. Texas Tech is scheduled to play Texas A&M (motto: “At least we’re not Texas Tech”) this Saturday in Lubbock, renewing a heated rivalry among two teams the collective country cares pays no attention to unless they’re playing Texas, Nebraska, or Oklahoma.

According to the AP,

The controversy comes about 2½ months after Gerald Myers, Tech’s athletic director, announced a campaign to promote good sportsmanship across the campus and at athletic events. The words used in the effort are honor, respect, pride and tradition.

Oh, when will the grown-ups learn? College students don’t care about honor, respect, or pride, and only vaguely about tradition. I should know how college students think, I was one for 14 years. To enlighten you, I’ve prepared a list of what students care about most in regards to sporting events:

1. Getting wasted the night before, but like a mellow wasted, just the right wastedness level so that you can make it to the tailgate the next day and talk about how wasted you were. Not the wastedness level where you wake up in the bathtub without pants and stay that way all day because movement is not an option.
2. Getting super drunk at the tailgate but having one semi-sober person to keep track of the tickets and stop everyone from getting arrested for peeing behind a tree that one time when I was 19. (Note: this may not apply to females, I’m not sure. I’ve never interacted with them, just watched them from a distance.)
3. Making fun of overweight people in inappropriately small clothing. (Note: this applies to many other non-tailgating situations as well.)
4. Meeting lots of interesting new people from the tens of thousands of other students in the stadium, and figuring out how to have intercourse with at least one of those of your preferred gender
5. Winning. Because if you lose, less people will go downtown that night, which means less opportunity to have the afore-mentioned intercourse with someone of your preferred gender.
6. Making sure your rival loses. Because nothing says sportsmanship like rooting for an unknown team from across the country to athletically outperform a nearby school with much the same culture as your own who wears blue instead of red.

Hope that helps. If all else fails, think of college students as horny, alcoholic six-year-olds, only with worse personal hygiene and many, many more sexually transmitted diseases.