Seeing his charade coming to an end, Ryan Lochte waved the white flag Friday morning. On Instagram, the 12-time Olympic swimming medalist admitted to embellishing his story about getting robbed at gunpoint in Rio last weekend. While details are still cloudy, it appears Lochte and fellow swimmers Gunnar Bentz, Jack Conger and Jimmy Feigen were under the influence of alcohol when they allegedly urinated outside a gas station and broke a door on the property.
You would expect such a politically correct statement in this situation, but we can hypothesize what he really meant with this line-by-line interpretation:
What he wrote: "I want to apologize for my behavior last weekend -- "
What he meant: "Jeah, they're making me apologize ... "
What he wrote: "for not being more careful and candid in how I described the events of that early morning and for my role in taking the focus away from the many athletes fulfilling their dreams of participating in the Olympics."
What he meant: " ... for not explaining that these Brazilian dudes pulled guns on us because we urinated on their gas station, broke a door and were acting generally rambunctious on their property. Apparently, we brought this upon ourselves. Also, sorry to the other athletes, who try really hard, but will never have 12 medals like me. Well, Michael Phelps and me."
What he wrote: "I waited to share these thoughts until it was confirmed that the legal situation was addressed and it was clear that my teammates would be arriving home safely."
What he meant: "My agent told me to get the heck out of Rio as soon as I told him the truth about what happened. That kind of sucked for my teammates, who I left stranded to face the law in a foreign country because of a lie I willingly told on national television. Honestly, I'm so lucky they're able to come home or I'd be seen as an even bigger jerk."
What he wrote: "It's traumatic to be out late with your friends in a foreign country – with a language barrier – and have a stranger point a gun at you and demand money to let you leave"
What he meant: "Dude, Rio is crazy. We were just trying to have a fun night, and like, obviously, I don't speak any Portuguese. These crazy guys threatened our lives and held guns up to us until we gave them our money. Yeah, we were being drunk and annoying, but no one pulls a gun on you for that in the U.S. It's almost like Rio has a safety problem."
What he wrote: "But regardless of the behavior of anyone else that night, I should have been more responsible in how I handled myself and for that am sorry to my teammates, my fans, my fellow competitors, my sponsors, and the hosts of this great event."
What he meant: "Jeah, so apparently the privilege I've experienced my whole life in America doesn't apply to Rio. I now realize I made my teammates look bad and my image sucks now. That really sucks for my bank account, seeing as how I'll need to rely on sponsors and public appearances as a means of making a living for the rest of my life. I mean, my agent just told me after I'm done swimming, that's the only way I'll make money. So I really need to fake this right now, so I can get on the next Celebrity Apprentice or something. Also, sorry to that Brazilian swimmer, Thiago Pereira, who was just trying to chill with me outside of competition, and I totally made him look bad in his home Olympics."
What he wrote: "I am very proud to represent my country in Olympic competition and this was a situation that could and should have been avoided."
What he meant: "Let's be honest, America. I'm your lovable friend who is really talented and makes a few social mistakes. But I'm still really funny, I do weird stuff (like dye my hair blue for this Olympics) and I make you laugh. I messed this up, but let's put things behind us and tape another reality show on E!"
What he wrote: "I accept responsibility for my role in this happening and learned some valuable lessons."
What he meant: "Yo, Rio is whack."
What he wrote: "I am grateful for my USA Swimming teammates and the USOC, and appreciate all of the efforts of the IOC, the Rio '16 Host Committee, and the people of Brazil who welcomed us to Rio and worked so hard to make sure that these Olympic Games provided a lifetime of great memories."
What he meant: ...
Lochte (turns to publicist): "Who do I have to thank?"
Agent: "These people."
Lochte: "But the IOC hates me."
Agent: "Yes, Ryan. That is why you have to fake-thank them."
What he wrote: There has already been too much said and too many valuable resources dedicated to what happened last weekend"
What he meant: How bored are you people? I cannot believe the world cares so much about me peeing on a gas station and knocking in the door. How is this the biggest story in the world right now? There are floods in Baton Rouge, a water crisis in Flint and ISIS is a constant threat. WHY DO YOU CARE THAT I PEED ON A RIO GAS STATION? You people are weird. Matt Lauer, why do you keep calling me?
What he wrote: "So I hope we spend our time celebrating the great stories and performances of these Games and look ahead to celebrating future success."
What he meant: There are men and women dramatically improving the lives of themselves and their families by winning gold medals, and you are focused on me being an arrogant douche for one night? Forget me, and watch Usain Bolt.
Follow Jeffrey Eisenband on Twitter @JeffEisenband.