The PostGame

Philadelphia Flyers forward Jesse Boulerice was suspended for 25 games today for his vicious crosscheck on Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler Wednesday night. With the game out of reach late in Philadelphia’s 8-2 win, Boulerice raised his stick and blindsided Kesler across the face, leaving the Canuck motionless on the ice (he later skated off under his own power). This isn’t an isolated incident for either Boulerice or his team: he once pleaded no contest to aggravated assault for an incident in the OHL, and his teammate Steve “Down Syndrome” Downie is currently serving a 20-game suspension for delivering a “deliberate and dangerous” hit on Ottawa’s Dean McAmmond.

Flyers coach John Stevens made the awesome revelation that “There’s nothing good that comes out of an incident like that,” which is like saying that golden retriever puppies are cuter than scorpions, or that my testicles are enormous. It’s self-evident.

I personally don’t follow hockey, mainly because I value my eyesight and don’t want to lose it while squinting and trying to follow the goddamn puck. However, it seems to me that two things are true:

1. The NHL strongly condemns fighting and is trying to inject sportsmanship into the game
2. Fans love fights

I think the NHL needs to just go ahead and promote the fighting aspect. They could just add two or three “fighting” periods, which would function much like a mixed martial arts match. Each team chooses a player and they line up in the center circle wearing full equipment, sans sticks, and everything is legal for 60 seconds. The winner is determined by the least liters of blood lost, each fighting period is worth one goal, and the loser of each period has to wear a dress for the rest of the game.

I would submit this idea to the NHL myself, but the details of my restraining order forbid it. Jeez, rape three or four team mascots and suddenly you’re a “danger to society.” What’s this country coming to?