The PostGame

The Associated Press reported last night that the Gipp family has exhumed the body of Notre Dame football player George Gipp for DNA testing. Gipp was the inspiration for coach Knute Rockne’s famous “Win one for the Gipper” pregame pep talk, which was reenacted by Ronald (”Senile Ron”) Reagan as Rockne in the 1940 film “Knute Rockne, All American.”

A few points I would live to make at this time:

• I hate to speal ill of the dead*, but George Gipp is an extremely pansy name. It sounds like something a six-year-old girl would name her goldfish, if the girl and the goldfish were of the same intelligence level. When will people learn that alliteration in male names (i.e., George Gipp, Ronald Reagan) sounds effeminate; alliteration in female names (Daisy Duke) sounds pretty hot, and also a little porn star-ish.
• On the flip site, Knute Rockne is one of the manliest names of all time. I get the impression that he poured horse urine onto a bowl of shark teeth and ate it every day for breakfast…although whenever I do that, for some reason it’s not manly, just more evidence for the “courts”.

Follow this impeccable logic: Gipp inspired Rockne’s famous line from his deathbed, which was later reenacted by Ronald Reagan in a movie which made a star of the young Reagan, whose popularity as an actor was the main reason Americans elected him as governor of California in 1966 and president of the U.S. in 1980, whose administration later supplied financing, weapons, and training to Afghani opposition groups called the mujahedeen after the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, which enabled another financier named Osama Bin Laden to grow in power and also resulted in many of these trained rebels joining the extremist group Taliban, who are connected with the al-Qaeda organization (both run by Bin Laden), who were responsible for the terrorist attacks of Septemer 11, 2001.

Did you get all that? Unquestionably, GEORGE GIPP IS RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11! He obviously planned all of this from his deathbed. His family just made the connections and are exhuming his body for clues to his extremist Muslim sympathies. Oh, they’ll probably leak some story later about a bastard child coming out of the woodwork and claiming that the Gipper nailed his great-grandmother behind a tackling dummy 90 years ago, but you’ll know the truth. You’ll know.

Update: another blogger makes the slightly humorous case that Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis is behind the exhumation in an attempt to reanimate Gipp’s corpse to play for the struggling Irish against Boston College this Saturday. If that’s the case, you may ask yourself, why don’t they also dig up Lou Holtz, reanimate him, and return him to the coaching staff? I’ll tell you why: because the undead cannot be reanimated and are often hostile towards the living. Please don’t do it.

*No, you don’t. You do it all the time.

Dear reader, did you make it this far? Then you might also enjoy Reggie Bush is in trouble.