Actor, comedian, and long-time Yankees fan Billy Crystal received the call he’s been waiting “50 years for“:

With the approval of MLB commissioner Bud Selig, the Yankees announced that Crystal will sign the contract and work out with the team at Legends Field on Wednesday, before playing in Thursday’s Grapefruit League game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I know that baseball isn’t attracting as many fans as it used to, with the steroid scandal hurting the image of the national pastime and faster-paced sports like basketball and football grabbing the youth demographic. Not to mention the Lingerie Football League. Warning: do not click on that link if you value your bandwidth But couldn’t they at least sign somebody cool like The Rock or Hannah Montana? Crystal is like 90 years old, and hasn’t done anything good since “City Slickers”. (If you mention “My Giant” to me, I swear I will jump through your computer screen and stab you in the eyeball.)

Back to the Lingerie Football League, how the HELL was I not aware of this glorious organization until two days ago? It’s like suddenly discovering that you won the lottery, or that you can fly, or that Andy Rooney finally died.

^ Lost his mind about 35 years ago.

Anyway, for those of you not familiar with the LFL, it’s girls in lingerie playing football, thereby combining three of every guy’s five favorite things. If they could somehow incorporate meatball subs and fighting monkeys, that would hit the jackpot.

But I can’t really complain; the league is pretty damn entertaining as it is. They say a picture is worth thousand words, so in that case this photo collection is like a complete erotic novel. Except, you know, it’s for guys.

And, finally, just a hot girl holding a football.

Normally it’s not like me to derive joy from other people’s pain, like the creepy host guy from Cheaters does, but watching that blue mascot writhe around on the floor is pretty entertaining. (Fun fact: the “Cheaters” guy is named Joey Greco and if you click the Talent link on his website, it says “Page Not Found”. How ironic.)

Speaking of entertaining video, here’s Joey Greco getting stabbed.

The Tar Heels avenged their earlier home loss to Duke this year by winning 76-68 in Cameron Stadium last night to win the ACC championship outright and secure a likely #1 seed for the NCAA tournament.

I hate both of these teams because I’m from South Carolina, which is Milhouse to North Carolina’s Bart when it comes to things like basketball, jobs, education, and not living in trailers. After two hours of hearing Dick Vitale make verbal love to Tyler “Get your han’s off me, bro” Hansbrough, I needed some cheering up. So here’s Bridget Moynahan.

Brett Favre’s final press conference as a Green Bay Packer yesterday was an emotional ending to one of the best careers ever put together by a quarterback.

“I hope that every penny …” he said before stopping to gather himself. “I hope that every penny they spent on me, they know it was money well spent. It was never my accomplishment, it was our accomplishment. It just so happens the position I played got most of the attention. It’s been a great relationship. I hope this organization and the fans appreciate me as much as I appreciate them.”

Brett Favre’s 17-year career ended with an interception against the Giants in the 2007 NFC title game, yet he feels that he went out on the top of his game and that he has nothing left to prove.

Favre is one of those guys that everybody likes and respects, sort of like Roger Clemens was before we realized that he may have taken steroids and given HGH to his wife. Favre always worked hard, played hard, and kept his mouth shut. The NFL would be a better place if more players would live by his example. (cough, cough, Chad Johnson).

It was time for him to go, though. Hell, Favre was relatively old when he starred in “There’s Something About Mary”, and that was like ten years ago. I actually just recently watched that movie for the first time in a long while, because somehow I’d forgotten how much Ben Stiller sucked. After suffering through all two hours I was reminded that the movie was the peak of Cameron Diaz’s hotness.

Don’t believe me? Observe Cameron Diaz circa 1998:

Now Cameron Diaz circa 2006 (warning: disturbing content):

Actually, I guess Cameron looked decent in Charlie’s Angels (2000), but she’s such a terrible actress that it’s hard to be turned on. And her mouth looks like she could swallow a human baby whole. Instead of cutting it up, like a normal person.

And have you ever seen “The Sweetest Thing”? Holy shit, that’s the dumbest movie I’ve ever seen, and I once watched “The Brave Little Toaster”. Go ahead, click on it, I’ll wait. You know you want to. Just to whet your appetite, Phil Hartman plays both the Air Conditioner and the Hanging Lamp. Really.

Speaking of Charlie’s Angels, let’s get that bad Diaz taste out of our mouth with a little Liu.

Tomorrow in Indianapolis’s RCA Dome, the most talented young football players in the country begin gathering in their attempts to woo NFL scouts and secure the media attention and enormous bonuses that a high draft spot can bring. (See 2007 combine results.)

As ESPN.com reports,

The 2008 NFL scouting combine officially kicks off Wednesday with offensive linemen, tight ends, kickers, punters and specialists arriving in Indianapolis. The final group — defensive backs — shows up Saturday. Kickers and punters will work out at the RCA Dome on Friday. Workouts for position players begin Saturday with offensive linemen and tight ends, and finish Feb. 26 with cornerbacks and safeties.

Each player will be assessed for four days. The tough physical workout occurres on the fourth day and includes the 40-yard dash, bench press, three-cone drill, broad jump, vertical leap, 20-yard shuttle, 60-yard shuttle and position drills.

The controversial Wonderlic Test is taken on the second and third days. The Wonderlic is scored out out of a possible 50 points, with offensive tackles (25) and centers (24) leading the pack. Fullbacks (17) and halfbacks (16) receive the lowest scores on average.

Chris Leak falls somewhere between brine shrimp and inert gases. For the record, Vince Young’s much-ballyhooed score of 6 was allegedly a mistake.

I’m pretty skeptical as to how well the Wonderlic predicts success in the NFL. Hell, the SAT’s taken by high school students only vaguely predict college academic performance, and those are ostensibly measuring the same thing.

There, kids, I said it: the SAT’s are a joke. Don’t worry about studying for them, instead, feel free to smoke some drugs or do some sex. Or whatever you call it now. SAT scores are about as worthless as horoscopes or blood pressure numbers.

Maybe I’m just angry because I spent the night before my SAT’s with Jennifer Nicole Lee and subsequently only scored a 25 out of the possible 1600 points on the test.

But man, oh man, was it worth it. Even if I did have to go to Subway University instead of Stanford University. Because let’s be honest: I probably wasn’t going to make it into Stanford anyway. And those Subway cookies are pretty damn good. Just like Jennifer Nicole Lee.

In the 50th annual running of the “Great American Race”, Ryan Newman snapped an 81-race winless streak to win the Daytona 500 on Sunday.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never been into racing much. I’m not sure how that happened, because I’ve lived in Kentucky, Alabama, South Carolina, and Florida, where every other truck has a racing sticker on the bumper right next to the image of Calvin peeing on the logo of the competing truck brand.

At any rate, I was able to attend last year’s Nextel Cup race in Talladega, and it was pretty freakin’ sweet. We stayed at a friend’s house and got shitfaced fishing on West Point lake on Saturday, then started tailgating around six o’clock on Sunday morning.

I’ve lived in the south my whole life, but even I wasn’t prepared for the sheer redneck-i-ness of the people there. It was awesome. Apparently Jeff Gordon won the race, which I don’t remember much of. I will say the I think every other professional sport should copy NASCAR’s policy of allowing you to bring your own beer into the event. Hell, I’d go watch ice skating or the WNBA if I could bring a case of Coors Light in with me. I’m not sure it would have saved the XFL, but it sure would have made the games a little more interesting.

Back to NASCAR, I think everyone is supposed to despise Jeff Gordon, but I have to admire a guy who hops into bed every night with Ingrid Vandebosch.

I know, I know. I just did a post on Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions in my article on Roger’s wife Debbie Clemens and her possible use of HGH. However, I wouldn’t be a red-blooded male if I didn’t deem it fit to pass this on to all my readers (or reader): Swimsuit 2008 launched yesterday.

As you’ll see from the main page, this year’s pictures include everyone’s favorite IndyCar driver, Danica Patrick, getting down and dirty on the beach.

The cover model for this year is Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller, who isn’t too shabby looking herself:

SI’s Extra Mustard also has a post on their favorite swimsuit models of all time, which brings back nostalgia for the time when I was young and the world was my oyster and I could dream about being a star athlete and maybe boning one of the girls in the SI swimsuit edition. But alas, it wasn’t to be. It’s a cruel world, isn’t it?

Oh, how can I stay mad while looking at pictures on Danica. One day, Danica, you’ll see that I’m the man for you. One day!

(Note to self: delete this post before kidnapping Miss Patrick, because this is pretty incriminating. Also, get some chloroform or something, because she looks like she could probably kick my ass.)

John Rocker, the douchebag pictured above, claims that he and other Texas Rangers failed a steroids test in 2000, which Bud Selig knew about but took no prosecuting actions.

“Bud Selig knew in the year 2000 John Rocker was taking the juice,” the former pitcher said Monday of the baseball commissioner on Atlanta radio station 680. “Didn’t do anything about it.”

Rocker said that doctors from management and the players’ association, following a spring training talk with the Texas Rangers about steroids and other topics, pulled himself, A-Rod, Rafael Palmeiro and Ivan Rodriguez aside. Rocker was with the Rangers in 2002.

“Look guys, if you take one kind of steroid, you don’t triple stack them and take them 10 months out of the year like Lyle Alzado did,” Rocker said the doctors told them. “If you do it responsibly, it’s not going to hurt you.”

First of all, John Rocker is probably the last person you want to listen to about anything, ever. In 2000 he was suspended for 14 days for the following comments about New York City:

It’s the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 Train to the ballpark, looking like you’re riding through Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It’s depressing.

I’m a hardcore Atlanta Braves fan, but even I didn’t like him when he was a Brave. He was like the mean alcoholic uncle that you only hung out with because he’d buy liquor for you and your underage friends. But then you had to drink it with him and listen to him rave about why the Jews were taking over the world and how Chuck Norris was actually a secret agent for the government.

Of course, when you’re 17, it’s worth it because, hey, free liquor. But once he runs out of money and starts hitting on your girlfriend, he’s gotta go.

And that’s John Rocker.

Audi R8. Is that not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? You see, I’m not just another sports blogger. I’m interested in other things. Namely, having crazy sex with a harem of beautiful women. This 430 horsepower $130,000 certified panty-wetter is just what I need.

Therefore, if one of my readers purchases this vehicle for me I will streak every game of the World Series with their face tattooed across my butt cheeks. And that’s a promise you can take to the bank, mister. Would I lie about butt tattoos? Absolutely not. My ass cheeks are much too important to joke about.

And so are hers:

More R8:

The NFC come from behind to defeat the AFC yesterday 42-30 in the Honolulu-based Pro Bowl. Offensive Rookie of the Year Adrian Peterson ran for 129 yards and two touchdowns and Terrell Owens added two touchdowns of his own to help the NFC come back from a 24-7 deficit. One stat says it all: the AFC’s leading rusher in the game was Ben Roethlisberger, with 18 yards.

On a less sports-related note, here’s Roethlisberger’s alleged girlfriend, Missy Peregrym: