When you park your rear in the freshest contender for the title of "coolest seat in sports" you will do so knowing Jack Nicholson won't hit on you, Spike Lee won't yell at you and Jessica Simpson won't strut nearby in a miniscule pair of Daisy Dukes.
At Red Bull Arena next week, George W. Bush won't pass your foot-long dog along the line, LeBron won't be hanging out in a Yankees cap and even though you'll be in New Jersey, those nimrods from the Shore won't be flexing their pecs and assaulting your eardrums.
Because this is American soccer, where the celebs come out to play at World Cup time and rarely otherwise, save for the sporadic Tom Cruise excursion down to the Home Depot Center to watch his pal David Beckham and the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Even so, what the 'Coaches Seat', one of four $2,500 (gulp!) offerings at next week's Major League Soccer All-Star Game lacks in showbiz star power it makes up for in uniqueness. The hook here is the visiting team -- English Premier League champion Manchester United will take on the MLS All-Stars -- and the chance to get up close and personal with them.
So what does $2,500 get you that a typical ticket of around $100 (at least on Stubhub) will not?
Well, fans who decide the mortgage doesn't need paying this month will get to sit next to the United dugout throughout the game, hearing every word uttered by the club's legendary and irascible head coach, Sir Alex Ferguson. They will witness the action just a few feet in front of them while being plied with as much food and drink as they can consume.
United is one of the most secretive clubs in world soccer, with Ferguson keeping his players on the tightest of leashes. The 69-year-old from Scotland monitors the behavior of his men, frequently orders them to turn down media interview requests and encourages them to operate underneath the radar when away from soccer.
When Jaap Stam, one of the world's best defenders and a key component of United's Treble-winning side of 1999, revealed some of the inner details of the club's operations in a controversial book, he was summarily transferred overseas and never played in the EPL again.
On Wednesday, though, the secrets of the dugout, Ferguson's colorful language and a look into United's hidden world will be available for a fortunate few.
Ferguson is also famous for his explosive locker room rants, which have included hurling teacups against the wall and kicking a stray cleat at Beckham, striking the then-United midfielder above the eye.
While such antics are surely unlikely in what is effectively a pre-season warm-up for United, holders of the Coaches Seat will have access to a private hospitality space immediately adjacent to the locker room which would be an ideal listening post for any impromptu Ferguson meltdown.
With the exception of young sensation Javier "Chicharito" Hernandez, rested after leading Mexico to the CONCACAF Gold Cup earlier in the summer, United is likely to be at full strength. And on the evidence of its 4-1 thrashing of the New England Revolution last weekend, it means business.
And a word of advice: Fans who drum up the cash should not be afraid to cheer loudly. Ferguson spoke out a decade ago of his disdain for corporate fans, who he said were too quiet because they were busy eating "prawn sandwiches."
Finally, the seat comes with a director's chair embossed with the United and MLS All-Star logos, which is the ticket holders' to keep. They could even get Ferguson to sign it.
Let's hope they ask nicely.
