Charlie Sheen is the reason the Internet was created. Period. Sure, there were lots of dancing animals and funny pictures, but Sheen really took the Internet by its hand and walked it directly into the sun. Most bloggers are considering just shutting the Internet down and having it retire while it's still on top.
Before that happens, let's see how some legendary sports meltdowns compare with the bar that Sheen just set. We will be judging them directly against Sheen, which might be unfair since that is judging normal humans against someone who has tiger blood, but we have no choice. Commence crazy:
Kellen Winslow: "I'm a soldier"
Not a bad place to start. Winslow declaring "I'm a ---- soldier!" is probably the closest we will get to Sheen declaring himself a warlock. (I cannot believe that is a real sentence). The passion is definitely there from Winslow, so that's a plus. But he loses points for later backing down from the statement. Much like a warlock, no true soldier would back down from his true identity. Winslow certainly brought the crazy, but it's no match for Sheen.
Mike Gundy: "I'm 40!"
Now we are really ratcheting up the intensity. Gundy went on a rampage during a press conference and let everyone know exactly how old he was. (I believe somewhere in the range of 40.) And boy, did Gundy hammer his point home. Gundy does lose some crazy points because the statement wasn't really untrue or shocking. Now, if Gundy had said he was 40 and a unicorn, then we could better compare the two. Gundy beats out Winslow because a 40-year-old (he was 40 right?) should be able to control himself better than a college kid. Sheen beats Winslow by percentage points.
Hal McRae Goes Nuts
McRae didn't say anything crazy or out of the ordinary, but man, he got his money's worth. He get points for going 0 to 60 in record time. He really flipped the crazy switch quickly. Additional points are added for making a grown man bleed with flying debris as well. Although to be honest, we all should have seen this one coming. I mean, the man managed the Royals. I can't believe he didn't crack after just one game. McRae loses to Sheen, but not by much.
Dennis Green: "They are who we thought they were"
One of the most quotable press conference eruptions of all time. Green really cemented himself in sports meltdown lore with this display. The only problem I have with this one is that he should have gone further. I mean, the guy had to watch Matt Leinart blow a 20-point lead. The fact that he could watch Leinart play at all is extraordinary. If I had to coach Matt Leinart, I would have flipped out so fast it would make Sheen look like Tony Dungy. Sheen triumphs again.
John Chaney Attacks John Calipari
Yes, yes and yes. Chaney achieved the life-long dream of almost every college basketball fan -- attacking John Calipari. I imagine Chaney saw how sleazy Calipari would become and decided to try and stop him before it was too late. Really, Chaney was doing us all a favor. He gets major points for trying to punch Calipari. Kudos, Chaney. Kudos. He loses to Sheen only because it really wasn't that crazy of an act.
Phil Wellman And The Hand Grenade
While we may never know what Wellman actually said, he makes this list for his ability to tell a story through the lost art of mime. Wellman was managing for the Mississippi Braves when he was tossed from the game for arguing. What followed was a one-man play of pure crazy. After the usual base throwing and dirt kicking, Wellman army-crawled behind the mound and threw the rosin bag like it was a hand grenade. Wellman played a more realistic soldier than Sheen did in Platoon. Plus, he really threw that rosin bag with some accuracy. Wellman gets major points for role-playing. If we could only hear what he was saying, he might actually beat Sheen. Wellman is definitely the leader thus far.
Mike Tyson: "I want to eat his children"
Much like Sheen, we knew Tyson wasn't the most level-headed individual in the world. But nobody could imagine that Tyson would proclaim his interest in eating Lennox Lewis' kids (shame on us). Tyson started the interview praising God and dedicating the fight to his recently deceased friend. All fine and well so far. He then takes a right turn to Crazyville by saying that he is Alexander the Great and he wanted to eat Lewis' children, which I guess is a natural progression. Lewis was among the mystified because he didn't have any kids at the time. Tyson and Sheen are running neck-and-neck on this one. While Sheen hasn't declared his intentions to eat anybody (yet), he did name a drug after himself, so he edges out Tyson by a nose.
Darren Daulton: The Cosmic Kid
Sheen should be hearing footsteps right now, and those belong to Mr. Daulton. Known for his sweet mullet during his playing days, Daulton maintained a relatively sane profile during his career. He really stepped up the crazy after he retired. Let's take a look at some of Daulton's beliefs, shall we?
* The universe is maintained by numerical synchronicities. As Sheen would day, "Duh."
* People who properly handle the Earth's energy are able to control the weather.
* The pyramids were created by a lost civilization who will ascend to heaven at the end of the world, which will happen on Dec 12, 2012.
* He has skipped through time and has undergone "astral travel."
Folks, I believe we have a winner. Daulton went so far as to publish a book that detailed his beliefs and knowledge of how the Earth works. That's true dedication to being crazy. With that, I feel pretty confident that Darren Daulton out-Sheen'd everyone, including Sheen himself. Sheen could take some tips from Daulton. Sure, Sheen claims he has Adonis DNA, but has he ever traveled through time? Until he says otherwise, Darren Daulton is the craziest man to walk the face of the earth. Congrats, Darren.
-- Follow Matt Schmidt on Twitter @therealmschmidt