His name: Brian Collins. His occupation: awkward sportscaster. His reading skills: rudimentary, at best. His catchphrase: “Boom goes the dynamite.” Here it is, in all its glory.
(This is being posted for the 3% of the general population who have not yet seen this video. The other 114% can shut the fark up; you know you’ll watch it again anyway.)
And now, just for the hell of it, here’s Star Wars Kid.
Here’s a list of the 21 phrases that are least-likely to be used by a sports commentator on live TV:
^ Dumb & Dumber
A recently-released AP poll reports that 1 in 5 sports fans do things “in an attempt to bring good luck to their favorite team or avoid jinxing them.” One disturbing anecdote given is from nurse Heather Pate of Eldridge, Alabama, who claims that she caused her beloved Auburn Tiger football team to lose by unwittingly using a pink toothbrush. Apparently this genius refuses to own anything red, the color of archrival Alabama, for fear of jinxing her Tigers. After someone brought her the pink toothbrush while she was in the hospital delivering twins, Auburn dropped two straight games. “It was all because of that red toothbrush,” she claims.
Bzzt, wrong answer. Thanks for playing.
The accounts continue,
Lisa Rawlinson, 40, a pharmaceutical sales manager from Huntington, W.Va., won’t watch crucial Cleveland Indians games on television. She didn’t watch Sunday night but her Indians somehow lost the decisive game anyway against the Red Sox, allowing Boston to creep into the World Series, which starts Wednesday.
First of all, Lisa, what’s the point of being a fan if you can’t watch your team’s big games? That’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and only getting a salad and some of those shitty beets. Well, maybe it’s not like that at all. It’s more like getting wasted playing Edward Fortyhands and taking a corn shit on your kitchen floor and making your roommate clean it up that time when I was nineteen. Or something.
Lisa is 40 years old. After consulting my abacus, I’ve concluded that means she’s older than seven, which is the maximum allowable age for believing that your actions can possibly affect the outcome of a sports contest many miles away between large men you’ve never met and who wouldn’t like you anyway.
So, dear readers, since you are reading this, you’re apparently smart enough to operate a keyboard and a mouse and code a buffer overflow that exploits a memory leak to insert a trojan and install a DDoS botnet. Well, maybe not that last part. But I am. That’s my point. That’s why I’m hanging out with Kim Kardashian in the Grand Caymans and you’re reading this from your mom’s attic.Hi, Ron. Put some pants on, man.
^ I respect her for her talents. Her two big, bouncy, beautiful talents. Also she has a sex tape.
Sunday, on some racetrack in the southeastern United States, Jimmie Johnson drove faster than about 40 other drivers. Operating the steering wheel and gas pedal in a Chevrolet vehicle, Johnson was able to loop around in a circle many times to complete a predetermined number of laps in less time than a bunch of other people. He was not in front of everyone the whole race, but he was in front at the end, which is the one that counts.
After the race, Johnson explained his victory,
“I was nervous with (Gordon) behind us and I was able to hold him off,” Johnson said in Victory Lane. “And then (Ryan Newman) got in there and I knew he was going to be real tough on a short run, too. … I know he’s hungry. He’s been working real hard to get back to Victory Lane, so I knew he wasn’t going to cut me any slack.”
Apparently the other drivers were trying hard to drive fast, too, but Jimmie Johnson was the fastest.
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