The PostGame

CollegeGameBalls has a recent post entitled “How to be a College Football Fanatic“, which details just exactly how to turn into those drunken petulant college football fans that we all know and love.

The article mentions such staples as drinking massive quantities of alcohol, arguing every penalty against your team, and constantly questioning offensive play-calling. In the comments, other readers also urge you to insult the television commentators and to aggressively assert the superiority of your team’s conference.

Last month, I wrote a similar post outlining common characteristics of male college students, as a sort of layman’s guide to understanding their behavior. My ultimate conclusion was to compare this species to “horny, alcoholic six-year-olds, only with worse personal hygiene and many, many more sexually transmitted diseases”.

The main addition I would add to CGB’s excellent article is to underscore the importance on behavior of the college male mind, better known as the testicle. As the day progresses, staring at attractive coeds from behind your sunglasses progresses into yelling extremely witty pickup lines at them from your tailgating chair, which finally gives way to highly offensive physical contact with the breasts and/or posterior of the girl in question.

Once in the game, you must convince yourself that all of the cheerleaders want to have sexual relations with you, and yell naughty things at them, despite the presence of children and the elderly nearby.

A postgame excursion to the downtown bars is mandatory. At this time, the more experienced drinkers among us will take the opportunity to “puke and rally“, an advanced maneuver in which vomiting is initiated to free up more room for alcohol. By now, standing is extremely difficult, so quickly locate a booth in your favorite bar and tell the least-drunk person in your entourage to go buy several pitchers. Consume and repeat.

An interesting phenomenon will now occur, in which the girl in a nearby booth who resembled Terry Bradshaw when you entered the bar will look like Teri Hatcher. This is known as beer goggles, and it is to be encouraged. Go talk to her. This is important: if you do go home with her, go to HER place, so that you can wake up before she does and get the hell out of there. If for some reason your arm is around her when you awake in the morning, quietly gnaw it off so as not to wake her, and leave the arm behind.

You have now successfully completed training for college. Yes, mom and dad, this is what we did for four years with your money.

^ Will not sleep with you

^ Might sleep with you

Just came across this today from Awful Announcing, who got it from The Wizard of Odds, who got it from a creepy trenchcoated guy in a alley somewhere.

Prior to the highly-anticipated Nevada-New Mexico State game last FridayHa, see what I did there? Because it was actually NOT highly-anticipated. That’s comedy, folks. Take notes., ESPN announcer Rob Stone was hanging out with State’s Chili Pepper InstituteFun fact from their web site: if you rub chili pepper in your eyes, you can shoot lasers out of your retina. Really, try it. when he decided to take a bite out of a Bhut Jolokia - the hottest pepper in the world. As you can see in the footage, he doesn’t just nibble off the end, he chomps off half the damn thing. Regret sets in about four seconds later. If you slow down the video, you can actually see the exact moment when his soul leaves his body.

I’ve got to admire Rob Stone for eating a Bhut Jolokia; I think that’s how one of the Kennedys died. He should definitely get on a Wheaties box for this stunt. If I weren’t so hopped up on painkillers, I’d write a letter to General Mills right now.

On that note, it might be time for another pill. The bottle says, “Take one once a…”? Damn, my vision’s blurring, I can’t read it. I’m going to assume it says once a minute. I’m also going to assume it wants me to wash it down with this can of paint thinner and a fistful of Phen-Fen.

Hey, at least I don’t eat Bhut Jolokias.