Writing a sports blog, I constantly have to come up with clever ways to sneak pictures of hot girls into my articles. Eva Longoria has a new collection of pictures for Bebe Sports (see! sports!), and she’s married to NBA star Tony Parker (more sports!). So, this post is strictly for the purposes of sports news…no gratuitous hot women here at all.
So take your hand out of your pants. Or not, I don’t really care. But at least shut the blinds; I can see you.
Yesterday the 9-39 Miami Heat traded star Shaquille O’Neal
to the Phoenix Suns in exchange for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. O’Neal will join Steve Nash, Amare Stoudemire, and Grant Hill on the Suns, who currently sport a 34-15 record and are in first place. Shaq is already the owner of four championship rings, and looks well on his way to adding a few more with Phoenix.
I’m just curious why he loves warm weather so much. LSU, Los Angeles, Miami, and now Phoenix. You’d think with a 325 pound body he would overheat and die if the temperature rose above 65. Hell, I just passed 325 pounds myself (my goal is 410), and I have to live in Chicago or my man-boobsFun fact from UrbanDictionary: Simon Cowell has man-boobs drip sweat down onto my crotch, making it appear as if I’d urinated in my pants. And incontinence is just embarrasing.
On a side note, wouldn’t it be funny if Shaq’s weiner was like two inches long? I’ll bet Shaq’s weiner is like two inches long.
TheAngryT has a posting entitled “10 Missed Dunks that Will Make you Feel Better About Yourself“, which proves that dunks are never a sure thing, even when being executed by professional athletes with 42-inch verticals and hands large enough to envelop Jay Leno’s chin or Pauly Shore’s incompetence.
The best one is of a random guy in a European dunk contest who tries to dunk over his stationary female assistant and ends up embedding his nutsack into her forehead.
When will those silly Europeans learn? Stick to things you’re good at, like making pastries and wearing tight sparkly shirts. In return, we Americans will stick to our fortés, which are basically being fat, depleting the earth’s natural resources, and complaining about Europeans.
I actually made it to Europe for the first time last month. My first stop was Amsterdam, and any city that has legal gambling, hookers, and marijuana is all right with me. I have to say it was weird being around a bunch of thin, well-dressed people, because I live in the southeastern US where hotels leave fried chicken and pecan pie on your pillow instead of a mint.
Aren’t hotels great? You can pee in the shower and poop in the sink and a maid will come along and clean it up for you. It’s what I imagine Kelly Ripa’s life to be like. I don’t know why, but she just strikes me as someone who likes to dump in the sink.
^ Shits in inappropriate locations.
In conclusion, here is a video of the sweetest dunk of all time, performed by 7′2″That’s equivalent to 4.38 volts, for you metric-loving Europeans Vince Carter in the 2000 Olympics.
Pat Riley thinks he can play.
Minutes after watching the Miami Heat miss shot after shot in another uninspiring performance that ended in a 91-76 loss to the Charlotte Bobcats, coach Pat Riley was asked what he could do to generate some offense.
“Me? Play. I guarantee you I should suit up. I’d play better than some of them right now,” Riley said Tuesday night. “I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can’t see, I’ll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad.”
Raise your hand if you’d buy a ticket to see Pat Riley suit up for a Heat game. Now hang on while I count them all…okay, 67 million people raised their hand. That should generate about a billion dollars in revenue, which would allow Miami to buy Kobe from the Lakers and maybe actually WIN a game for once.
See? I solved just their problems - I’m a genius. At least my mom always told me so. Every day starting when I was seven years old, she would give me a kiss and tell me I was handsome and smart, and then send me off to the coal mines.We’re from Kentucky. I was so envious of my nine-year-old brother; he got to work at the Nike factory.
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