Archive for the 'MLB' Category

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01
Nov

More athletes take more pills

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL and MLB

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Jaguars defensive tackle Marcus Stroud is facing a four-game suspension for violating the NFL’s steroid policy. According to anonymous sources,It was me the three-time Pro Bowler tested positive for banned supplements last week. Both Stroud and coach Jack Del Rio had no further comment.

In addition, the San Diego Padres’ Mike Cameron has been suspended for 25 games after testing positive twice for a banned stimulant; he claims he inadvertently took a “tainted supplement” and strongly stresses that it wasn’t steroids. In an interview with author Todd Gallagher, Cameron has also admitted to playing baseball while drunk. Cameron, a Gold Glove center fielder, is a free agent this winter.

These new reports come on the heels of Cleveland pitcher Paul Byrd testing positive for HGH last week, and former track-and-field star Marion Jones admitting to using performance-enhancing drugs before her five-medal performance in the 2000 Summer Olympics.

I was once a professional athlete,Just kidding. I have trouble walking up stairs. so I can empathize with the drive to be the best. However, you should do it the classy way, like Tonya Harding: hire someone to swing a crowbar at your top competition. It’s discreet, it’s quiet, and nobody gets hurt. Except the person you hit with a crowbar, of course.

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^ Next to “classy” in the dictionary. And by “classy”, I mean “batshit crazy”. Yes, it’s in the dictionary.

31
Oct

Little resigns from Dodgers, Torre reportedly has job

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

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According to an ESPN.com article today, Grady Little has resigned as manager of the Dodgers for personal reasons, leaving the door wide open for Joe Torre to replace him as skipper. There has been widespread media speculation that Torre was heading to the Los Angeles after his decision to not resign with the Yankees, and The New York Post reported yesterday that “Torre had agreed in principle to a $14.5 million, three-year contract with the Dodgers.”

Los Angeles has the sixth-highest payroll in the major leagues, at over $108 million, yet they still finished the 2006 season 82-80, just the fourth-best record in the five-team National League West. That’s not quite as bad as, say, Baltimore ($95 million, 69 wins) or the Chicago White Sox ($109 million, 72 wins), but it’s still not very efficient.

Hell, the NL West-champion Arizona Diamondbacks only spent $52 million while going 90-72, the best record in the entire National League. Colorado, who made it to the World Series, only spent $54 million while going 90-73 (including a one-game playoff with the Padres).

I think the lesson here is clear: for the best dollars-per-wins ratio, don’t name your sports franchise after a city; name it after a state.

Oh, you think that’s a stupid theory? Don’t blame me if you can’t understand my complicated logarithmic regression analysis. I can’t help it if my brain is bigger than Jake Gyllenhaal’s vagina. God delivered it, I signed for it.

29
Oct

A-Rod opting out of contract, because $252 million just doesn’t go as far as it used to

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

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SI.com reported on Sunday that Yankees superstar slugger Alex Rodriguez is opting out of his Yankees contract, leaving him a free agent and allowing him to negotiate with all 30 major league teams through his tenacious agent, Scott Boras.

Rodriguez’s timing couldn’t be better. He’s coming off a 2007 season in which he batted .314, hit 54 home runs, had 154 RBI, scored 143 runs, and slugged .645; he led the league in the latter four categories. The Yankees have proclaimed that if A-Rod opted out of his contract they would not pursue him further, since in that scenario the team would not receive the benefit of a $30-million subsidy from the Texas Rangers.

The SI.com article continues,

Boras hasn’t said how much he believes Rodriguez is worth on the open market, but he suggested in interviews that Rodriguez could be worth $500 million to the Yankees over the next 10 years. It’s clear he’s shooting for a deal well in excess of $300 million, perhaps even as much as $400 million.

Whatever you may say about him, Scott Boras is a badass. He makes 5 percent commission on all his clients’ deals. Besides A-Rod, he represents Johnny Damon, Jason Varitek, Carlos Beltran, Barry Zito, Bernie Williams, Greg Maddux, and some guy named Barry Bonds.

He negotiates multi-million dollar, multi-year deals, then basically sits around playing with himself for five years and getting 5% of their salary. He’s essentially the same as a gold digger who marries a rich old guy, or any girl who hangs out with Hugh Hefner. Reading about his ridiculous contracts is like watching a bulimic girl eat four pieces of delicious pumpkin pie: you’re rather disgusted because you know it isn’t going to have a pretty ending, but somehow you can’t look away.

It’s awesome, because Boras has all this money but nobody likes him. He’s the guy who makes people glad they have caller ID. I see him sitting around his pool all day, drinking Keystone Light out of a champagne flute and wearing two monocles to look sophisticated. Also, I hear he has dandruff and he watches “Kid Nation“.

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^ Even Borat is cooler than Boras

29
Oct

Boston brews up their second World Series championship in four years

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

Red Sox Title

On a chilly Sunday night in Denver, the Red Sox beat Colorado 4-3 to complete a four-game sweep of the once-hottest team in baseball and clinch their second title since 2004. The much-hyped Rockies had entered the series having won 21 of 22 games, including sweeps in the NLDS and NLCS, but were simply overmatched by both the pitching and hitting of the Boston club. When the dust cleared, Boston had outscored Colorado 29-10 in the series (the biggest run differential in World Series history), outhit Colorado .333 to .218, and never trailed in the final 23 innings of play.

The city of Boston, of course, is also enjoying an impressive 8-0 start by their New England Patriots (including a 52-7 win over Washington on Sunday), an 8-0 start by the Boston College Eagles (after a 14-10 comeback win over a tough Virginia Tech team Thursday night), and the acquisition of a forward named Kevin Garnett by their Celtics.

That. Is. Unfair.

This situation reminds me of high school where there were always those jocks with school-wide popularity, unbelievable athletic ability, six-pack abs, clear skin, dashingly good looks, a hot girlfriend, and an even hotter girl on the side. While the rest of us were struggling with pimples, awkwardness around the opposite sex, and daily wedgies, these guys seemed like they had the world in the palm of their hand.

But be careful, Boston, it doesn’t last. Sooner or later the jock gets herpes from a local beach skank on Senior Week, his SAT scores don’t impress anyone, and his hot girlfriend prances off to State University to get more nuts put in her than a Snickers bar while the jock languishes in community college.

Also I splintered his femur with a crowbar.

The motto of the story is all the “popular kids” end up working at Food Lion, while I’m living the good life cruising around the Mediterranean on my yacht full of heroin and diamonds.

And hot girls. Yeah, it’s also full of hot girls.


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^ Not for you, Tyler. Go back to the produce section.

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