While decorating my Christmas tree cookie with the colors of my favorite team as I enjoyed an egg-white nog (I'm watching my cholesterol), I was all agog to look back upon the year that was. I reviewed it, rehashed it, then I autotuned it. It sang to me! Such a dynamic compilation of excitement, athleticism, achievement, disappointment, miraculous turnarounds, scapegoats, workhorses, upstart wolverines, underdogs, overdogs, high-on-the-hogs, buzzer beaters, heave hos, dump offs, check downs, stare downs, head butts and butt heads has rarely been seen before.
And for that, the holidays are a chance to reward the well-deserving. Now, Santa's been in beast mode this past year so that he can fit down the chimney, employing a strict regimen of barre cardio, CrossFit, and intermittent juice cleansing. He's lowered his 40 time to 21.2 seconds and has been boasting to his reindeer that this year, he’s going to pull the sleigh.
And his sleigh is now streaking down the sideline, narrowing avoiding Coach Tomlin, for its end zone, the lockers and clubhouse cubicles of those in the sports world who have made his list from their escapades in 2013.
Here’s what each will be receiving as visions of championships dance in their heads whilst they sleep:
Michigan -- It was to be one gift, but then it was decided they would receive two. However, the exchange failed, so they get nothing.
Jason Kidd -- One of those helmets he can put soda cans in and sip from.
Terrell Suggs -- No one talks more about Tom Brady than him so he gets a Tom Brady doll. Enjoy playing with your doll, big fella!
Mike Shanahan -- A chance to take up a hobby. . . on his extended vacation.
Mack Brown -- A chance to make his own news before it’s announced for him.
San Francisco 49ers -- That pass interference call in the end zone they deserved.
Houston Texans -- A snow globe with their 2012 team in it to remind them what it was like to win a game.
Washington Redskins -- A name change. . . to the DC Redskins, so the confused among us don’t travel to the Pacific Northwest to see them play.
Alabama -- A field-goal kicker.
Rick Pitino -- Even Santa can’t give him back the respect and admiration of the city of Boston. So all he gets is that NCAA championship.
Boston Red Sox -- E World Series victory!.... on a Thursday... during a full moon... with unseasonably high autumn temperatures. Seriously, it’s been far too long! Haven’t they suffered enough?
Torii Hunter -- A higher fence.
Robinson Cano -- Some peace and quiet and an October off.
John Sterling -- A nickname coach to help him come up with new ones.
Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees -- Peace, love, and a mutually damaging relationship.
Joe Torre -- The title of "baseball commissioner."
Los Angeles Lakers -- A Groupon for a free head examination. They know why.
NBA - A new commissioner ... finally! (And then if they’re good and no longer naughty, perhaps they'll receive an increase in audience next year.)
Matt Flynn -- A team where he can actually play -- oh, wait, Rodgers is coming back? Never mind.
Mike Tomlin -- A dog collar that shocks him whenever he get too close to the sideline.
Peyton Manning -- The chance to lose the single-season touchdown mark to Tom Brady again.
Mariano Rivera -- A lifetime of memories from the 2001 World Series to the 2004 ALCS to the... Heh heh. Just playing with him... A well-deserved spot in Cooperstown.
Jerry Jones -- A new head coach ... and maybe a couple of new coordinators ... probably just best to get him a new general manager too ... and owner as well.
New England Patriots -- a discount on their medical bills.
Los Angeles Angels -- some bang for their buck.
Rory McIlroy -- a return to success or at least mediocrity.
Richie Incognito -- a more fitting name or some tact.
USC Athletic Director Pat Haden -- a better sense of timing.
Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants fans -- a group time out.
San Antonio Spurs -- one more defensive stand.
Aaron Hernandez -- soap on a rope. He’ll need it.
Brooklyn Nets -- something to prop up that two-year window.
And as Santa finishes carbo-loading with cookies left out for him, he can be heard yelling behind him, "Merry Christmas to all, and to Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather, a good fight!"
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