By James Fell
A while back, I wrote a piece for AskMen called People at the Gym that describes some of the colorful characters we see pumping iron, riding the cardio equipment, doing silly stretches or just wandering aimlessly. Since then, with the help of friendly suggestions, I realized that I only covered about half of them. There are more. Oh, so many more.
Usually a young male who has this odd habit of lifting up his shirt to wipe nonexistent sweat away from his forehead, revealing a chiseled six-pack. For some reason, this action always coincides with proximity to a young, attractive female.
Since his eyes are covered by his shirt, he cannot see that she is rolling hers.
I’ve seen women do this, but it's usually a guy thing. They're obsessed with multiple varieties of supersets and compound sets. Such an approach to exercise is admirable, but during busy gym times trying to carve out a fiefdom of several pieces of equipment that no one else is permitted to touch qualifies as douchbaggery. It's annoying to see one of the few bench presses abandoned for several minutes with plates still on it, and when you finally decide to go and use it, the Hoarder charges up, indignant, proclaiming, "I'm using that!"
Horders deserve to have a premenstrual crocodile shoved down their pants.
Just like a cougar -- a prowler of young men -- except older.
This is the guy who considers the gym to be his personal Plenty Of Fish and hits on every person lacking a Y chromosome. He lives by the adage that it you fire off enough rounds, eventually you'll hit something.
The stench coming off him isn't B.O.; it's desperation.
She is a female version of Hercules, and she can lift more than you. She's tough, focused and she doesn't want to talk to any fishermen. In most cases, she doesn't want to talk to anybody because she’s too busy kicking ass with the iron.
Try not to hurt yourself attempting to keep up with her. She is not impressed.
The Lost Boy
Young, skinny, pimply and clueless as to what to do in the gym. His face betrays one of constant confusion as he inspects the equipment. The only thing he seems to know how to do well is drool while wandering around looking at Hoop Earring Girls (see Part 1).
The Tongue Depressors
A couple joined at the hip, regularly engaging in public displays of affection between sets. A just and righteous god would cause his boner to get slammed between two 45-pound plates.
He resembles an NFL offensive lineman. Two of them. When his mother gave birth to him, her screams shattered half the windows in the hospital. He eats large farm animals whole, and his workout regimen includes shoulder pressing the leg press, plates and all.
Give him a wide berth.
They're a virtual shopping center of weightlifting equipment: belts, gloves, straps, chalk, notebooks and bottles containing a milky purple liquid. They seem incapable of working out without this cornucopia of loot that they haul from station to station.
[Insert joke here about compensating for something.]
Captain Skull Candy
This is the person wearing headphones the size of a Smart Car while working out. They take rejection of crappy gym music to an extreme.
Captain Skull Candy plus sunglasses. I have seen them. They exist.
One Size Fits Most
This is the guy who wears those super-tight Under Armour T-shirts to the gym despite sporting a belly that looks like he's well into his third trimester.
He needs a girlfriend, if for no other reason than to have someone help him with clothes shopping.
Not Quite Awake Yet
They wear pajamas to the gym. Apparently that's a thing now.
Can You Hear Me Now?
The person who occasionally lifts weights in between cell phone calls.
The brain tumor will get them before too long.
The person who puts the treadmill on full incline and walks at a fast pace while hanging onto the hand rails for dear life.
Aka: Mountain-Climbing Wannabe.
Dromedary: Noun. "The one-humped domesticated camel (Camelus dromedarius, widely used as a beast of burden in northern Africa and western Asia. Also called Arabian camel." Just think of this simply as "camel."
Phalanges: Noun: "Any of the small bones of the fingers or toes in humans or the digits of many other vertebrates." Think of this as "toe."
If you're confused, the meaning here is camel toe -- the people with pants so tight and so high you can basically see their ... You know. You try to avoid looking, but it's so hard to stop.
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