NBA Draft fashion has finally calmed from a frenzy of iridescent brights and gaudy stripes to a GQ-worthy palate of neutrals and classics with just a hint of flash.
What a shame.
Let's harken back to to days when draft outfits glowed and repulsed like so much uranium. Here are the most laughably bad NBA Draft outfits of all time:
10. Karl Malone, 1985
Malone took "Mailman" a little too seriously with this ill-fitting failure. I do know that the Trail Dust Steakhouse in Arlington, Texas, was still open in 1985, so maybe he stopped in for their famous tie chop and a quick run down the kiddie slide before the Jazz snagged him, but if your jacket sleeves are already cutting off circulation to your hands, then at least go for a full-length tie.
9. Chuck Person, 1985
This was the year the NBA invited the local glee club to perform at the draft. Show me those spirit fingers, Chuck P!
8. LeBron James, 2003
Why did LeBron go for this number? Because he's ... goin' to the chapel and he's gonna get draaaafted. Hopefully the wedding photographer buttoned the bottom two buttons.
7. Steve Nash, 1996
I thought I had a crush on Steve Nash, and then I saw this photo. Oh, wait, that's just some suburban junior high basketball coach. Whew.
6. Samaki Walker, 1996
While I do appreciate the Dapper Dan vibe of a white suit and a bowler hat, fit is still key. As in, you shouldn't be able to fit your face into the opening of your sleeves.
5. Bobby Jackson, 1997
This just wasn't a good year for NBA draft fashion. So sorry, Mr. Jackson, but I am for real. I think my high school anatomy teacher wore this exact same shimmering suit. Her name was Mrs. Hunter and she was around 65.
4. Wesley Johnson, 2010
Triple bogey! Modeling the Scottish Trifecta, Jackson never got the memo from SLAM writer Vince Thomas that the days of the NBA Draft Suit Watch might be over. First, we have the "I don't know if I'm golfing in Glasgow or getting ready for bed" trousers. Next, the "I'm being hazed by frat boys" canary shirt and finally, what is on that red tie? Scorpions? Magic lanterns? His wee bit of fashion sense is salvaged by that bonnie grin.
3. Peja Stojaković, 1996
If you're 6-10 and you can find a navy blue velvet suit, then you should also be able to find a SuperCuts. Or a comb.
2. Maurice Taylor, 1997
I love teal. My senior prom dress was teal. I have a great teal bathing suit. I vaguely remember a teal stuffed unicorn in my past. Teal is an acceptable color for those items. But even when paying homage to the Hornets, a suit does not need to be the same color as the towels at a Hawaiian resort. Maybe now that he's in Italy, Taylor can have the suit retrofitted into a Vespa.
1. Tim Thomas, 1997
Bed, Bath & Beyond was having a sale on their 250 thread count sateen sheets that year. But they ran out of the extra long twin sets. Thankfully, Thomas found some brass buckles to draw attention from his exposed ankles to his shoes.
Here's hoping we get at least one blindingly magenta pinstripe monster to deliver in the clutch Thursday.
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