It’s January 26 and I’ve already blown it. Man, I had such grand plans for 2011. Drink protein shakes in the morning, do 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups every day, watch less TV and read more books, go to bed before midnight during the week. Those were my New Year's resolutions.

In three weeks I have had one protein shake (it tasted like scotch tape and blueberries), done 37 total push-ups/sit-ups and stayed up late watching “The Making of Caddyshack” on A&E and “LadyHawke” on Starz4 and reading three pages of my book.

So I’ve decided its time for a do-over (and that I lack a certain ability to be, um, disciplined). Time for new New Year's resolutions. And I’m just going to focus on sports … something I feel like I can control.

1) I’m going to try and believe every single athlete, coach, owner, athletic director, general manager or owner when they say things like: “I never touched that girl.” Or, “It’s not about the money.” Or, “I have never taken performance enhancing drugs.” Or, “They have my total vote of confidence.” Or, “I want to spend the rest
of my career in Cleveland.”

2) I’m going to stop reading the ESPN ticker at the bottom of the screen. There is waaayyy too much info on that thing now. It’s like, yeah, I’d like to know if the Lakers won but do I really need to know that the No. 175-ranked high school football player signed with Northern Illinois and what he ate for dinner and whether we wears boxers or briefs.

3) Soccer. Not sure what to do with that one.

4) I am going to appreciate the fact that I get to watch some of the greatest players in the history of the NBA play every night and not complain about how they are selfish egomaniacs.

5) I am going to draft a quarterback with my first pick in my Fantasy Football draft this fall. And I am NOT going to read any Fantasy Football magazines. They all had Jerome Harrison as a second-round pick! I don’t know who Lindy’s or Athlon are but they suck at fantasy football.

6) I’m going to listen to more baseball games on the radio. I live in LA so I’m spoiled with Vin Scully but there is just something about the flow of baseball that makes it a great radio sport.

7) Soccer? What are we thinking?

And lastly, whenever I get down and start to think sports is just a cold-hearted business and has lost all it’s innocence and passion, I’m going to watch this kid do Kurt Russell doing the Herb Brooks speech
from “Miracle.” Enjoy.

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Happy New Year, Nashville Predators. Welcome to 2011, Memphis Grizzlies. Thanks for coming to the party, Oakland A’s, Tampa Bay Rays, Toronto Raptors, Jacksonville Jaguars, Phoenix Coyotes, Minnesota Timberwolves and the whole WNBA -– now go away!

Sorry, kids, it’s a new decade, and we are in the middle of a recession. Time to clean out those closets, throw away your Puddle of Mud CD’s (remember when they were cool for a second?) and really make some hard decisions about what can stay and what has got to go.

That’s right, I’m talking about the C word. Contraction. LeBron James basically said it a couple weeks ago.

Yes, pro sports would be better with fewer teams. The competition would be tougher, the games more exciting, the cheerleaders hotter … and Darko Milicic, Guillermo Mota and Kyle Boller would be looking for other jobs. I’m thinking forehead model for Darko, fishing boat second mate for Mota and local morning news traffic guy for Boller. God, we have wasted millions and millions of dollars on those stiffs.

But I don’t want to just stop with sports. Oh no, I’m drunk with the power now. I’m like Josh McDaniels on draft day. “Wait a minute, you’re telling me Tim Tebow’s blind 72-year-old uncle with a wooden leg hasn’t been drafted yet?! Hell yes, I will give you three second-rounders and Chrysler LeBaron for that pick!”

I want to bring contraction to the every day world. OMG, there is so much stuff I want to get rid of. Bye, bye one of the Kardashian sisters. I’m thinking the one with the super creepy jelled-within-an-inch-of-his-life boyfriend.

Later, Harry Potter movies. The books might be cool but the movies downright suck. They are long, talky and boring. And Quidditch makes the MLS All-Star game look interesting.

Adios, the month of August. Why? Cause nothing really happens then. It’s hot as balls. Baseball is lurching along, football hasn’t started yet and all the movies studios release Rob Schneider or Nicholas Cage flicks. Full disclosure…an ex-girlfriend dumped me in August after I took her to see Cage in “The Wicker Man”, so I might be a little biased.

Why stop there? To quote Clubber Lang, “I got lots a more. Lots a more!”

Say goodbye to ... Brazil nuts, NBC, Jack in the Box, South Dakota, ESPN360, Real Housewives of any city, J-Woww (but not Snooki, she kinda grew on me), “The Cleveland Show,” Ed Hardy T-shirts, PepsiMax and Coke Zero, Pumas (the shoes, not the cat), the iPhone on AT&T, Bing!, movies where the girl finds her dream guy
except he turns out to be a serial killer/werewolf/gay/a woman, wearing sports jerseys to go “out” in, combining words to be clever like “Rocktober” or “I’m text-pecting” and, last but not least, guy who wears a blue tooth headset in his ear even when he isn’t even in a car. It’s like, dude you better be in the business of saving lives or there is NO REASON for you to be wearing your blue tooth at a freakin’ Black Eyed Peas concert!

Wow. I could go on and on but … if we can only get rid of one thing this year, please let it be the CHIN-STRAP BEARD ON WHITE GUYS. Man, that is a bad look. Black dudes can barely pull it off. It’s worse than the fo-hawk. I shall leave you with this hell … clean it up, Ryan Mallet.

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