Greetings, Hokie fans! It's time for your usual loss to Pitt. You have not been victorious over Pitt since the last millennium, so things look bleak.
You lost to Pitt last year a mere two weeks after the Panthers lost to Youngstown State. That's an above-average -- at best -- FCS school. Even worse, Pitt is on its fourth head coach in three seasons. Frank Beamer has been at VT since before all of his players were born. Somehow you still lost -- badly.
This season Pitt is 3-1, and its only loss is to a team that could be the national champion. I could end the column by stating “if you couldn't beat Pitt last year, you've got no chance this year” but that's too easy. You've won the ACC four times since you left the Big East and played in numerous BCS Bowl games. You Hokies have had a pretty decent run, far better than Pitt who seems to be stuck in football purgatory, otherwise known as the BBVA Compass Bowl. That's what will make your inevitable fifth loss in a row that much sweeter.
The reasons you'll lose starts with that thing you call a mascot. When your website has to include an entire page called “What's a Hokie?” you've got issues. A Hokie is pretty much gibberish some guy named O.M. Stull came up with in his imagination in the 19th century. He was paid $5 for his efforts. Ask for your money back. Seriously, your mascot looks like a turkey that got hit by a truck. I imagine that sounds quite appetizing to some of your fans from the backwoods of Virginia, which is pretty much everywhere the second you step foot off campus. Blacksburg is a nice town, but the only stadiums that have less orange and camouflage hunting attire serving double-duty as fans' Saturday best are located in Morgantown and Starksville.
Then there is the limestone. The obsession with the limestone has turned into a monstrosity of a helmet. You gave $5 to a guy who named you the Hokies and now paid who knows how much to have a helmet that looks like a wall. When I need to be inspired, I definitely think about a wall (That was sarcasm, backwoods VT fans who somehow stumbled upon a computer). VT fans may need to borrow these helmets after the game. The desire to smash your head against a wall will be irresistible when Frank Beamer once again tries to rely on his "pride and joy," the punt-block unit, to win a game.
If you want a chance to finally beat Pitt, I'd recommend you find a QB who can actually hit a wall from more than three yards away. Logan Thomas is not a QB; he's a TE who can throw the ball hard. Any QB who has had a game with a completion percentage below the Mendoza line should legally be required to never throw a forward pass again. Trust me, Pitt fans know what a bad QB looks like and Thomas can't even be considered that. Pitt's defense has practiced against plenty of QBs who are constantly inaccurate, hence why it picked Thomas off thrice last season.
I look forward to Pitt consistently owning VT now that both teams are in the same conference and division. Pitt has a habit of ruining seasons -- opponents and its own. At least you're ranked for the first time since ... oh. It was last year before you played Pitt. Sorry. If you have hopes of winning the Coastal Division and going to the ACC Championship game, they're about to take a huge hit on Saturday. Hail To Pitt!