Dear Arizona State Fans,
I'm not here to talk football. Why would I be? We lead this series 18-10, which is pertinent for two reasons. The first is that we've won almost twice as much as we've lost. To tie up the series, it requires almost a decade worth of consecutive wins for you Sun Devils and in a decade, I'll be too busy in my Bentley hovercraft to care.
The second reason our 18-10 record in the series is important is because it explains we've only played each other for 28 years. I've been around longer than that. We've been playing Notre Dame so long I am pretty sure the rivalry survived the Great Depression. Our history dates back to the theatrical release of Saturday Night Fever (or something to that effect, this "rivalry" is bellbottoms).
Look. Football is not your thing. When you play in the Pac-12, your goal is winning Rose Bowls. We've won 24 of them. You've won one. I can count that on one finger. Not to take away from other triumphs found in your lifetime 13-12-1 bowl record like your unforgettable back-to-back losses in the 1950 and '51 Salad Bowl (seriously) or your six Fiesta Bowl wins before the Fiesta Bowl required you to be good to play in it.
You guys used to be in the WAC. I should stop here.
Listen, you've played in 26 bowl games. We've won 24 Rose Bowls. The Granddaddy Of Them All. Nothing that happens when we play this weekend will matter in the grand scheme of things. We've had a tough start (which is 3-1 in USC terms) and I haven't bothered looking up your record because, again, the result of this game doesn’t matter in any context historically or currently.
We've almost won as many national titles as you’ve won bowls. Including the Salad Bowl, which again, was a real thing.
I do admire that you have the world's creepiest Disney-drawn character for a mascot and the school hand signal the fans throw up in the stands (if they show up after tailgating at one of Tempe's many night clubs in strip malls with one word names) is basically a gesture that could get you sent to the principal's office in high school. If you Google it, it's quite a "shocker."
USC is favored by six points in this game and really, very few of our fans will be there to see the game because it's in Tempe, which is only cool if you are wanting to see what Los Angeles was like in 1992. Or if you collect laminated flyers for birthday parties sponsored by club promoters hawking deals with unknown vodka companies. No thanks, we’ll watch Clancy Pendergast's defense tackle everyone on the field for no reason at all right here from Los Angeles, where the now-canceled show Entourage was based, which is basically the bible for civic planning in Tempe. If Turtle wouldn’t try to bring Vinny Chase there, they won't build it in Tempe.
I'd predict a score, but instead I’ll predict that Trojans will remain hiring managers for Sun Devils across the country, the result of this game will not change the proud WAC heritage of ASU and that most of each student body will be black-out drunk by halftime.
Let's just agree to agree that our student bodies are attractive and when your football team comes from the WAC, it's a better point of comparison than football.