Hi, USC fan. If you're still wearing Bruins gear from that bet you lost last season, we’re here to tell you why it's probably smarter to keep it on.
Pac-12 South play is about to begin and here are several reasons why Sun Devils are better than Trojans and why we will beat you this weekend.
Let’s start with home-field advantage.
It will most likely be over 100 degrees this weekend (like it has for the past 4 months), which means that when your team steps off the plane they will immediately dehydrate and fry up while dreaming of the beach. That's just pure science.
Speaking of home-field advantage, it's a good thing we aren't playing in the Coliseum (which, much like your team's mascot, dates back to the days of ancient Greece), because none of us would actually get to see the game as we would all be sitting in that parking lot you like to call the 110 Freeway.
Now lets get down to the battle on the field.
Will Sutton has been quiet this season, but that won't last. He is poised to explode and your starting quarterback (not sure who that will be this week and you probably aren't either) will feel his wrath. Also, Jaelen Strong. Just remember that name because you will hear it a lot this Saturday.
As far as the coaching battle goes, we keep it in the family with Todd Graham at the helm and his son Bo Graham coaching running backs. You guys used to know what that was like, until Lane forced his own father to resign so he didn’t have to fire him. Can you really trust a guy who would fire his own father? I bet Papa Kiffin was chuckling along with the rest of us a few weeks ago when your entire student section was chanting, "Fire Kiffin!"
At this point, you're probably saying, "This year will be different than last year," and you are right.
Mainly because last year you were ranked No. 1 preseason and you crashed and burned all the way out of the top 25 in a hurry, even with Matt Barkley and Marqise Lee.
This year you were ranked No. 24 preseason so the crash won't be as far or hard, but it will be just as entertaining. Even though you have the best receiver in college football in Lee, without a quarterback to throw the ball to him, he’s about as useless as your basketball team in the Pac-12 tournament. We know Matt Barkley took a pay cut when he went to the NFL, but surely you can find a viable replacement.
And can we make a suggestion: Save your marching band a trip and just load Darth Vader's theme song onto your iPhone and play it from there because that is the only song they ever play anyway.
It may have been cute and kind of quirky the first 500 times we heard it, but it's gotten out of hand.
Let us guess. You're going to say we're a party school with no national championships or Heisman Trophies, and we didn’t really beat Wisconsin a few weeks ago.
Say what you will about the Wisconsin game, but I believe the saying goes, "a win is a win is a win." For the record, a win is the opposite of a loss, which is what you got when you scored seven points at home against Washington State a few weeks back.
And maybe we are a party school, but is that really the worst thing to be? Ask your boy Matt Leinart about how fun it is to party in the desert. He liked it so much so that he forgot how to play football when he got here.
And we may not have a Heisman Trophy yet, but we also have not had to give one back. Similarly, we may not have a national title yet, but ... well you get the point.
Finally, we just want to point out the fact that in the story, the Trojans actually lost the Trojan War to the Greeks. Perhaps someone over there inhaled too much smog and read the oldest story in history wrong, but the Trojans fell to the ruse that was the Trojan Horse and came out looking pretty silly.
Sparky, on the other hand, needs no horses shields or swords. He just wields a pitchfork and rains fire all while donning a creepy smile. Is there really anything more terrifying than a smiling devil?
We would say goodbye, but let’s be real. We will see some of you L.A. frontrunners again in Pasadena later in the season when you are all wearing your blue and gold and watching us take the Pac-12 title from your (other) favorite team, UCLA.
The State Press Sports Desk