Professional and collegiate athletes have had an illustrious history in our nation’s capital. Gerald Ford was an All-American football player at the University of Michigan, and later sat in the Oval Office after Richard Nixon resigned. In November, longtime Philadelphia Eagles offensive tackle Jon Runyan was elected to the House of Representatives as a Republican from New Jersey’s third district. Just last season he was suiting up for the San Diego Charger. And former NFL quarterback Heath Shuler was re-elected in North Carolina’s 11th district as a Democrat, despite a tough election cycle for the incumbents.
The list of athletes that have taken their talents to the banks of the Potomac River is quite impressive, and athletes will surely continue to descend upon Washington in the future. But what would the political careers of current professional sports figures look like? These would our five favorite candidates.
No. 5 Ozzie Guillen
Political Affiliation: Whichever party is more controversial at the moment.
Campaign Slogan: [Expletive Deleted].
Comparable Politician: Harry S. Truman. Truman dropped the A-bomb. Ozzie drops the F-bomb.
Signature Issue: Immigration.
Related Hidden Agenda: Dropping curse words in multiple languages.
No. 4 Bill Belichick
Political Affiliation: Totalitarian.
Campaign Slogan: The gray hoodie you can believe in.
Comparable Politician: Richard Nixon. After all, the coach’s ’07 controversy was named after Nixon’s downfall.
Signature Issue: PATRIOT Act
Related Hidden Agenda: Acquiring the authority to spy on everyone.
No. 3 Tiger Woods
Political Affiliation: Republican. Tiger wears red on Sundays for a reason.
Campaign Slogan: Whatever Nike’s slogan happens to be at the moment.
Comparable Politician: Eliot Spitzer. No elaboration necessary.
Signature Issue: Upholding the traditional family.
Related Hidden Agenda: Reverse psychology!
No. 2 LeBron James
Political Affiliation: No political party for The King.
Campaign Slogan: Make “The Decision.”
Comparable Politician: Arlen Specter. Both joined a super team/supermajority.
Signature Issue: Health care.
Related Hidden Agenda: Taking the talents of the Cleveland Clinic to South Beach.
No. 1 Brett Favre
Political Affiliation: Democrat. No, Republican. Wait, Democrat. He can't decide!
Campaign Slogan: Real. Comfortable. Politics.
Comparable Politician: Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Retirement is not an option.
Signature Issue: Wiretapping.
Related Hidden Agenda: Ensuring the protection of all personal cell phone messages/pictures.
Prepare Your Glutes For Running