1. Kicking And Screaming

We all know soccer fans can be whiny losers about bad calls, but teams themselves? Real Madrid gave its fans a run for their money with a blog post contesting a bad call from a recent tournament game. But giving soccer phenom Chad Ochocinco the last word is really the icing on the cake.

2. We Want It Now

The NFL Draft has risen from the spurned child of the lockout to the only ray of hope for fans in the near future, but they still gave Commissioner Goodell a piece of their minds during the event. Goodell was introduced to a crowd of boos and chants of "We Want Football." Even if Goodell gave in, not much players can do on a Friday night.

3. Number Crunchers

A mathematic NFL fanatic crunched some numbers to find out how much she'll save if the lockout cancels the season. While some figures ring true, she grossly underestimated the cost of other factors. Only $50 on weekly snacks? And $0 for tailgating? Looks like someone's been missing out on two of the best reasons to watch football.

4. Baby Hot Shot

Last week, we featured a toddler who was a whiz at cleaning up his soccer toys with a swift kick. He returns to The High Five, but this week as a professional. A Dutch soccer club signed him up for a 10-year contract. His last year will be done before he even hits puberty, but that just means he has yet to hit his golden years.

5. Fictional Reality

The Onion poked some fun at new San Francisco 49ers GM in honor of the NFL Draft, but some of the jokes rang a little too true for comfort. The 49ers have a lot of work to do if they want to be competitive this year, so why not have some fun while they're at it? Beanbag chairs instead of sideline benches is an inspiring idea.

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1.Celebrate, Cleveland!

After decades of torment, Peyton Hillis has finally given Cleveland fans something to be proud about. Now he will help sports thinkers everywhere answer the question: what happens when a team is burdened with two curses?

3. Great Hockey Isn't New

If you need your hockey fix on an off day in the NHL playoffs, here it is.
After a seemingly endless string of consecutive nights, don't let yourself get caught up in the moment and forget about some of these past playoff feats.

4. Chris Paul's Personal Top 10

As evidenced by this catalog of highlights, Chris Paul has had a number of incredible moments before regaining a piece of the national spotlight against the Lakers. Even if he doesn't vanquish LA, CP3 deserves more recognition than he gets in New Orleans. Maybe the next set of highlights will show him in a Knicks uniform.

5. Not Just Another Mock Draft

As the draft nears, The Onion joins the growing number of "analysts" publishing their draft predictions. The scary part is that these satirists are just as likely to be right as any expert out there.

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1. Relieving The Tension

Mariners center fielder Franklin Gutierrez was recently diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, giving sportswriters a field day. Deadspin pieced together the story with gems from around the Internet, highlighting the struggles Gutierrez has pushed through this past year. These jokes will get readers through at least one more year.

4. Music On Sports Off

If you prefer to hear your music through headphones instead of baseball games, check out this line of Coloud headphones featuring NHL Original Six teams. I wouldn't be surprised if you hear a goal horn every once in a while. They had to make them authentic somehow, right?

5. Black Swan? No, Crane.

With Tiger Woods out of action for the foreseeable future, other golfers get a chance to show off their talents. For some, like Ben Crane, that happens off the putting green. Crane shows off his dances moves with a variety of costumes to best set the mood. Maybe he should channel that energy into perfecting his swing. Golf, not dance.

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1. Great Scott! ... What An Idiot

Orioles outfielder Luke Scott really has his teammates' best interest in mind. When silly Felix Pie "is acting like a savage", for example. Scott just calmly places a banana chip or two in Felix's helmet. Courteous reminder to be civilized. ESPN sees this as the actions of a "complex man." All I see is John Rocker 2.0.

2. NBA Rushmore

The Chicago Tribune asks a common, yet still interesting question: Who would be on your NBA Mt. Rushmore? I've obviously got Mike in the primo position. The inclusion of a non-player/coach in David Stern is an interesting and valid one, but I'll round my monument out with Bill Russell, Magic and Phil Jackson.

3. Dwight Strikes Back

I'd get tired of hearing how I was leaving my team every day too, Dwight.
Especially down 3-1 to a team that lost its last six regular season games. Check out this war of words between Howard and Ric Bucher in the third item.

5. Cornerback Smack

DeAngelo Hall has never been at a loss for words. Even in the offseason. He took the liberty of using some airtime during a radio interview to call Jay Cutler "a clown" and enlighten us about the circumference of Jason Kidd's son's head. Nice.

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1. Hair Cut Time

Brandon Marshall's last tweet on April 22. Turned out his wife wasn't taking out those utensils for a hair cut.

2. The Remains of Jimmermania

With his college career one month over, Jimmer Fredette has turned into the next Tim Tebow/Tyler Hansbrough college legend hoping for a successful pro career. His BYU fan site, though, remains. As do caricatures of Fredette as Moses and a president on Mount Rushmore.

3. Bleepin' Bruce Boudreau

Ironically, this was posted by a Rangers fan four months ago. My guess is that Boudreau isn't feeling the same way after this week's past series. Viewer discretion is advised.

4. Big Baby No. 2

What do Big Papi and the lion from the Wizard of Oz have in common? They're both big men with no courage. Or at least that's what The Onion says. Looks like Glen Davis isn't the only Big Baby in Boston.

5. If Only Chris Berman Announced This One

Anaheim Ducks star Bobby Ryan dipsie-doodles his way to the net for a spectacular playoff goal. If Chris Berman announced hockey, he would describe this play with a series of "What! What! What!"

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo In Overtime

In the FC Barcelona v. Real Madrid "Copa del Rey" on Wednesday, Cristiano Ronaldo scored a late goal off a Ángel di María cross. Let this clip serve as a reminder that Ronaldo is one of the best the game has to offer.

2. Go New York, Go New York, Go!

Swizz Beatz remixes a classic New York Knicks pump up song. Backed by New York City Dancers, Carmelo Anthony and Amar'e Stoudemire, Swizz Beatz, gives New York fans something to jam to on game day. The Knicks are looking to get their first win of the series against the Boston Celtics on Friday.

3. Give Me That!

A young kid grabs Tyson Chandler's towel while he is leaving the court. Who says you need to get sports memorabilia at an auction?

5. The Dunks Of Blake Griffin

The NBA created a dunk compilation the rookie of the year's 214 slams. Jump to 2:06 to see an incredible slo-mo version of Blake Griffin's car-crossing slam during the Slam Dunk Contest.

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1. A Tribute To White Chocolate

Jason Williams finally made the news for normal reasons this week. To spice up his notice of retirement, complex.com compiled some of his top on-the-court moments. However, you've got to wonder how much Bryant would be fined for his response to the megafan.

2. Warning To All NHLers ...

To whom it may concern, if you are fortunate enough to hoist the Stanley Cup, don't let this happen. And if it does, remember, super glue is not nearly as visible as tape.

3. The Two Sides Of Derrick Rose

Rose may be about to become one of the least talked about MVPs in NBA history. For those of you who may not know much about the Chicago point guard, The Onion has you covered.

4. Hillis Or Vick To Grace Madden Cover

The final matchup in the fan's bracket that will determine who will be on the cover of Madden12 raises two questions. One, can Cleveland withstand another curse? And two, how many people are voting for Vick solely in hopes that the curse will deal the same fractured fibula it caused the last time he received the "honor"?

5. Most Intellectual Tirade In NHL History

Just as John Tortorella highlighted in his recent response to Bruce Boudreau's whining, this clip also depicts the Rangers' coach's incredible ability to keep his cool. If I had to pick one coach that will never have a YouTube-worthy tirade, it'd be this guy.

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1. Spinnin' Wheel

It's never easy to discipline NHL players for cheap shots, and the job gets even harder in the playoffs. This game takes out all the variables and helps fans figure out how the league does it -- by spinning a wheel. The league probably has one just like it in Colin Campbell's headquarters.

2. Fantastic Fail

Everyone loves a champion, but in the NBA, phenomenal fails are just as venerated, if only for the punch line alone. Complex put together a slideshow of the 25 biggest fails in NBA playoff history. Best part? Choice for opening photo.

3. Baby Beckham

You're never too young to start practicing your free kick. This toddler kills two birds with one stone, working on his form while putting away his toys. If he wants to make it in the big leagues, though, he'll have to learn to keep his hands off the ball.

4. Silver Screen

We might not have a football season to watch in the fall, but luckily we count on a variety of sports movies to get us through it. Just make sure you don't watch any of the films on this list, which counts down the worst acting performances in sports movies. To be fair, has Gary Busey ever had a good acting performance?

5. Boom Goes The Dynamite

YouTube celebrity Keenan Cahill hit a home run when he started recording covers of top 40 radio hits. While he's had his fair share of high-profile special guests, Cahill recently found himself in the presence of champions. San Francisco Giants Cody Ross and Brian Wilson joined the phenom in a performance of "Dynamite." Stick to your day jobs, fellas.

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1. Honor In The Name

Here's footage of David Wright playing catch with some young Braves fans. Never seen or heard of this happening before, and that's real cool of Wright to engage the fans like that. Great last name that guy's got.

2. Before You Judge

Ex-Kansas Jayhawk guard Josh Selby caught a lot of hate for leaving after one seemingly lackluster year. This in-depth article may give you a new way to see the future pro.

3. Tell Us How You Really Feel

Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau had some harsh truths to tell after his teams 3-2 loss to the Rangers. There's a reason over $750 mil is headed to Madison Square Garden for rehab.

4. Time To Go Home

Tony Parker says that if the NBA does the wrong thing during the offseason and ends up locked out, he'll go back home to France and play professionally there. Wonder if any other All-Stars would consider playing overseas next year. Is that even legal?

5. Can't Tell Us Nothin'

Kanye West used his humongous Coachella crowd to show off the first glimpse of his Nike-collaborated "Air Yeezy 2" sneakers. All I could find were these pictures, though. Over/under has got to be like $400.

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1. The LeBrons

Creating a fictional animated YouTube series about your childhood? I guess that's one step toward repairing your image.

3. The Andy and Landry Show

LeBron isn't the only NBA player with a new internet show. Knicks rookies Andy Rautins and Landry Fields take center stage in the Big Apple.

5. When Things Get Messi

Lionel Messi is the best player on F.C. Barcelona. Real Madrid is Barcelona's rival. Real Madrid's fans don't like Messi.

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