Hi, gang. It's that time of the week where I make incredibly snarky remarks and deliver one-liners whose context and tone is best heard in person. I asked the bosses if I could drive cross country to tell these jokes to each and every one of you in person. They told me I could since the only reader I have is my mom. ZING! Let's do this:

Cheryl Burke of "Dancing With The Stars" fame has admitted to having a fling with former contestant Chad Ochocinco. I am beginning to think that Ochocinco wasn't on the show for the love of dance. It's almost like he only appeared to mess around with hot chicks and get even more TV time. No, it can't be. Take a deep breath, Matt. No way would anybody risk the integrity of ABC's No. 1 dance-reality program. Not in my America.

In even more Ochocinco news, the wideout has denied impregnating one of his Twitter followers. And yes, that is an actual thing that happened.

"The woman ... went on a Philadelphia radio station this week claiming after meeting Chad on the site, they met up in real life and she is now three months pregnant with his child."

WHEW. For a second there, I thought he got her pregnant over Twitter. Now I'm no sex expert (or sexpert as the kids call it) but I'm pretty sure you can't get a girl pregnant over the computer. Fairly sure. Kinda sure. (*Checks wikipedia.*) See, I was right the whole time.

Michael Vick was scheduled to be on Oprah this week, and then decided to not be on Oprah this week. Sure, the guy killed perfectly innocent animals, but cancel on Oprah? Now he has gone too far. That woman is a national treasure, and is valued at 100 pit bulls' lives. I can't wait for the pro-Oprah picketers to destroy him at the first Eagles game next season. He will incur a wrath that hasn't been seen since the Book of Revelations (aka the lively part of the Bible).

Dwight Howard will be hosting a demure, elegant All-Star party in Hollywood. Antonio Cromartie and Willis McGahee are co-hosting the party, so chances are pretty good that if you go, you will get pregnant. Oh, I know what you are saying: "But Matt, I'm a guy. It's not biologically possible." NEVER downplay the ability of those two men to get you pregnant. They have worked to hard to build up their reputations to have you come along and tell them it's not possible. Shame on you.

Just when you thought only athletes signed shoe deals, it turns out the crew of College GameDay already had their own deals. Finally! I no longer have to wonder what Chris Fowler's favorite brand of shoe is. And we can finally answer the age-old question: "Hey, Lee Corso, what would a 75 year-old man who makes a living putting on comically oversized mascot heads recommend recommend for a training shoe?"

That's it. I'm all out of funny for this week. No, no. I just can't give anymore. Sure, the rounds of applause and cries for an encore are flattering, but I must decline. Follow me on Twitter @therealmschmidt.

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I know it's old news, but I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention A-Rod and his popcorn-lovin' self. As we all hilariously remember, Fox showed Rodriguez and his "friend" Cameron Diaz at the Super Bowl. As the camera shot them, Diaz was hand-feeding Rodriguez popcorn. It was adorable. I, for one, think A-Rod has way too manly of an image, so it was nice to finally see his softer side. I guarantee that Jeter was at home watching and said "Hey! Alex told me that he was washing his hair tonight!"

Alex seems to have a thing for spindly, skeletal white women (Madonna, Diaz). I can't tell if his next girlfriend is gonna Sarah Jessica Parker or Al Davis. The best part of the story was A-Rod's reaction afterwards. Let's see what ol' Bill Zwecker of the Chicago Sun-Times is saying:

“He really went ballistic -- thinking the cameraman was out to get them in a paparazzi-like shot. … That’s so crazy,” said my source. “Anyone who knows anything about producing a live sports event — especially something as huge as the Super Bowl -- would know that those celebrity shots are purely random. A-Rod, of all people, should know that."

I'm guessing there's no way Red Sox fans use this as ammo against him. I'm sure it will all be water under the bridge when the two teams meet.

In non A-Rod news, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are officially divorced. When asked why Parker was splitting with the "Desperate Housewives" star, it would've been great for Parker to respond, "That show is still on the air?"

Look, I don't want to say I was the sole reason for their breakup, but I just couldn't take Longoria hitting on me anymore. Sure, I'm ruggedly handsome and more of a man than Parker could ever dream to be, but that doesn't mean she can treat me like a piece of meat. I have feelings too, Eva.

Serial father Antonio Cromartie is the subject of a new tell-all book. Rhonda Patterson, Cromartie's ex-fiancee, is blasting Cromartie in her memoir of their relationship. Give us some of the heartwarming details Rhonda:

"He was one of those lovers who would caress you, stroke your hair ... look you in the eyes and ask you to have your child. I though his asking me to bear his child meant he loved me."

Judging by how many times he got burnt last season, I think he tried that same strategy with opposing wideouts. Hey-o!

Bird-like human Tony Hawk has filed for divorce from his third and current wife, Lhotse Merriam. Seriously, her name is Lhotse. I would probably divorce her too with that name. I bet Tony just got sick and tired of trying to figure out how to spell it and say it. Heck, I can't believe he made it more than three years with her. I think we should be congratulating the guy for getting that far.

There you have it, boys and girls. Another successful week of making fun of people I have never met. I'm sure they are all perfectly fine individuals, but this column isn't gonna write itself. If I must be the brave soul to point out their every flaw, then so be it. I'm kind of a hero if you think about it.

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