The mystique of Rob Gronkowski just got a whole lot weirder.
The New England Patriots' goofy, snuggle-loving Pro Bowl tight end is the subject of a new piece of erotic fiction called A Gronking to Remember.
The book is about a woman who immediately falls for Gronkowski after watching him perform one of his signature touchdown spikes.
"It jettisoned jiggling ribbons of electric jelly through my body and melted my knees like two pads of margarine," the protagonist says of watching a "Gronk spike."
In case you've forgotten, here's what one of those sultry spikes looks like:
The book is written by prolific erotica author Lacey Noonan, who has also penned Shipwrecked on the Island of the She Gods and I Don’t Care If My Best Friend's Mom is a Sasquatch, She’s Hot and I'm Taking a Shower With Her.
— Lacey Noonan (@laceynoonan) January 4, 2015
A Gronking to Remember is available for less than $10 on Kindle, and a quick trip to its Amazon page produces some wonderfully tongue-in-cheek reviews.
Here's the first paragraph of a recap from a user named Brendan:
"The western canon is scattered with watershed works of literature penned by American authors...add A Gronking to Remember to that list. With this book - nay, this work of art - Lacey Noonan has truly catapulted herself, however knowingly, into the pantheons of greatest American authors (F. Scott Fitzgerald, Mark Twain, etc.), greatest female American authors (Willa Cather, Toni Morrison, etc.), and greatest humans (Jesus, Julius Caesar, etc.) to have ever set foot on this great Earth we call home."
If you're interested in reading some of the more graphic fantasies that play out over the book's 38 pages, see here.
You'll forgive Gronkowski if he hasn't had time to check out the book. He and his Patriots have a divisional-round playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens on Saturday.