Hi, gang. It's that time of the week where I make incredibly snarky remarks and deliver one-liners whose context and tone is best heard in person. I asked the bosses if I could drive cross country to tell these jokes to each and every one of you in person. They told me I could since the only reader I have is my mom. ZING! Let's do this:
Cheryl Burke of "Dancing With The Stars" fame has admitted to having a fling with former contestant Chad Ochocinco. I am beginning to think that Ochocinco wasn't on the show for the love of dance. It's almost like he only appeared to mess around with hot chicks and get even more TV time. No, it can't be. Take a deep breath, Matt. No way would anybody risk the integrity of ABC's No. 1 dance-reality program. Not in my America.
In even more Ochocinco news, the wideout has denied impregnating one of his Twitter followers. And yes, that is an actual thing that happened.
"The woman ... went on a Philadelphia radio station this week claiming after meeting Chad on the site, they met up in real life and she is now three months pregnant with his child."
WHEW. For a second there, I thought he got her pregnant over Twitter. Now I'm no sex expert (or sexpert as the kids call it) but I'm pretty sure you can't get a girl pregnant over the computer. Fairly sure. Kinda sure. (*Checks wikipedia.*) See, I was right the whole time.
Michael Vick was scheduled to be on Oprah this week, and then decided to not be on Oprah this week. Sure, the guy killed perfectly innocent animals, but cancel on Oprah? Now he has gone too far. That woman is a national treasure, and is valued at 100 pit bulls' lives. I can't wait for the pro-Oprah picketers to destroy him at the first Eagles game next season. He will incur a wrath that hasn't been seen since the Book of Revelations (aka the lively part of the Bible).
Dwight Howard will be hosting a demure, elegant All-Star party in Hollywood. Antonio Cromartie and Willis McGahee are co-hosting the party, so chances are pretty good that if you go, you will get pregnant. Oh, I know what you are saying: "But Matt, I'm a guy. It's not biologically possible." NEVER downplay the ability of those two men to get you pregnant. They have worked to hard to build up their reputations to have you come along and tell them it's not possible. Shame on you.
Just when you thought only athletes signed shoe deals, it turns out the crew of College GameDay already had their own deals. Finally! I no longer have to wonder what Chris Fowler's favorite brand of shoe is. And we can finally answer the age-old question: "Hey, Lee Corso, what would a 75 year-old man who makes a living putting on comically oversized mascot heads recommend recommend for a training shoe?"
That's it. I'm all out of funny for this week. No, no. I just can't give anymore. Sure, the rounds of applause and cries for an encore are flattering, but I must decline. Follow me on Twitter @therealmschmidt.