Archive for November 14th, 2007

14
Nov

Old white man wants to ball with young black men

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NBA

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Pat Riley thinks he can play.

Minutes after watching the Miami Heat miss shot after shot in another uninspiring performance that ended in a 91-76 loss to the Charlotte Bobcats, coach Pat Riley was asked what he could do to generate some offense.

“Me? Play. I guarantee you I should suit up. I’d play better than some of them right now,” Riley said Tuesday night. “I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can’t see, I’ll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad.”

Raise your hand if you’d buy a ticket to see Pat Riley suit up for a Heat game. Now hang on while I count them all…okay, 67 million people raised their hand. That should generate about a billion dollars in revenue, which would allow Miami to buy Kobe from the Lakers and maybe actually WIN a game for once.

See? I solved just their problems - I’m a genius. At least my mom always told me so. Every day starting when I was seven years old, she would give me a kiss and tell me I was handsome and smart, and then send me off to the coal mines.We’re from Kentucky. I was so envious of my nine-year-old brother; he got to work at the Nike factory.

14
Nov

NFL reinstates Ricky Williams, preemptively suspends him again

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

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NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams after an 18-month suspension for substance abuse. Throughout his rocky professional career, Williams tested positive for marijuana multiple times and has played in only 12 NFL games since the start of the 2004 season.

Due to his history of drug abuse, it is unknown if the Miami Dolphins will allow him to return to the team. However, since they hold an 0-9 record at this point in the season, I’m pretty sure they would let Ozzy Osbourne play if he could give them 15 good carries a game.

It doesn’t take Columbo to figure out that Williams will blaze up the giggle weed again and get kicked out of the NFL as quick as a hiccup, but God bless them for trying. Maybe it’s because they’re aware that NFL offenses are struggling mightily right now, or maybe Ricky bribed Goodell with some primo shit; I don’t know.

I do know that it’s time for my daily ninja training regarding my future ambush on Bill O’Reilly, so I’ve got to go. He will never know what hit him. Because I’m a ninja.

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^ Good choice, Ricky. As they say: the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

14
Nov

Minor-league team offers Barry Bonds $1,200 per month in exchange for his services, dignity

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

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Oooookaaaaaay…apparently the Washington Wild Things, a minor league team in the independent Frontier League with a stadium near Pittsburgh, have made an official offer to Barry Bonds for the princely salary of $1,200 per month.

According to ESPN.com’s report on the matter,

There are extras, though: The Wild Things are offering a 50-50 share on merchandise sales and a pledge to find a host family for Bonds so he doesn’t have to rent an apartment in this southwestern Pennsylvania city.

On the road, Bonds would get a king-sized single room, a major perk on the minor-league level.

“Many of the great ones eventually return to where their careers began,” general manager Ross Vecchio said Tuesday. “Babe Ruth began his career with the Red Sox and then finished it with the Boston Braves. Willie Mays started with the New York Giants and finished with the Mets. Hank Aaron began and ended his career in Milwaukee.”

Bonds made about $16 million last season playing for the San Francisco Giants and is up for free agency this winter after the Giants expressed no interest in resigning him. Although he turned 43 in July, the slugger still cranked out 28 home runs and posted a .480 OBP in 2007. He is a mere 65 hits short of 3,000 for his career.

It’s widely expected that, due to his history of knee problems, Bonds will sign with an American League team and live out the rest of his professional career making a comfortable living as a designated hitter.

This offer made me really respect the owner of this random tiny minor league team. It’s like he held up the proverbial middle finger to Bonds and stated, “Even though you’re the all-time home run king, I think you deserve less salary than an average arc-welder.” He must have known that the chances Bonds would come play for him are about the same as the chances of seeing the Aurora Borealis in Cancún at high noon, but, by God, he made the offer anyway.

Obviously Bonds would rather retire than play in the minors. He doesn’t have to resort to selling himself out and humiliating himself for a little extra cash; he isn’t José Canseco.


^ Bonds did have one thing in common with Canseco…hmm…what was it again? Was it rampant illegal steroid use that undermined the foundation of my favorite sport? Yeah, maybe that was it.