Archive for November 7th, 2007

07
Nov

ESPN’s Rob Stone hates his body

Just came across this today from Awful Announcing, who got it from The Wizard of Odds, who got it from a creepy trenchcoated guy in a alley somewhere.

Prior to the highly-anticipated Nevada-New Mexico State game last FridayHa, see what I did there? Because it was actually NOT highly-anticipated. That’s comedy, folks. Take notes., ESPN announcer Rob Stone was hanging out with State’s Chili Pepper InstituteFun fact from their web site: if you rub chili pepper in your eyes, you can shoot lasers out of your retina. Really, try it. when he decided to take a bite out of a Bhut Jolokia - the hottest pepper in the world. As you can see in the footage, he doesn’t just nibble off the end, he chomps off half the damn thing. Regret sets in about four seconds later. If you slow down the video, you can actually see the exact moment when his soul leaves his body.

I’ve got to admire Rob Stone for eating a Bhut Jolokia; I think that’s how one of the Kennedys died. He should definitely get on a Wheaties box for this stunt. If I weren’t so hopped up on painkillers, I’d write a letter to General Mills right now.

On that note, it might be time for another pill. The bottle says, “Take one once a…”? Damn, my vision’s blurring, I can’t read it. I’m going to assume it says once a minute. I’m also going to assume it wants me to wash it down with this can of paint thinner and a fistful of Phen-Fen.

Hey, at least I don’t eat Bhut Jolokias.

07
Nov

Don Shula says stuff about things

Retired NFL coach Don Shula has suggested that, should the 2007 Patriots go 16-0 in the regular season, their feat would be tainted by a sign-stealing scandal earlier this year. In the event later dubbed “Spygate”, Patriots coach Bill Belichick was caught videotaping the New York Jets’ sideline in the season opener, drawing heavy criticism and raising questions from many about New England’s success in the past few years.

“The Spygate thing has diminished what they’ve accomplished,” Shula said in an interview with the New York Daily News. “You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They’ve got it…I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds’ home run record.”

The only other team to go undefeated in the regular season was the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who were coached by, surprise!, Don Shula. Saying that a New England undefeated season would be tarnished due to stealing signals from the JetsWho are 1-8 at this point in the season in the first game is in no way comparable to Barry Bonds taking illegal performance-enhancing substances for years, allowing him to break Henry Aaron’s all-time home run record. Shula is an idiot.

If he’s going to not make any sense, he needs to go back to promoting Nutrisystem and shut the hell up about football. He may as well be running around Times Square in a sandwich board commentating on a fake game in his head shouting, “The score is orange to 3! The band is out on the field! No interest or payments for six months!”

I was just thinking the other day that there’s not enough comments on modern football made by old-ass coaches whose opinions nobody cares about. It’s like an Australian Aborigine commenting on the current American subprime mortgage financial crisis, or a woman commenting on science. It just doesn’t make sense.

woman-1-index.jpg
“I will invent a newer, better, oven cleaning product!”

“All you did was pour your Lipton iced tea into a beaker, Meredith. Take off that lab coat and go back to the daycare center.”