Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers notched an impressive win in Pittsburgh on Monday Night Football last night, decimating the Ravens 38-7 as Roethlisberger tossed five touchdown passes in the first half. Pittsburgh’s defense dominated as well, led by James Harrison’s spectacular effort of nine tackles, 3½ sacks, six quarterback hurries, an interception, a pass defensed, two forced fumbles, and one fumble recovery. Harrison also impregnated seven women in the bleachers just by looking at them.
The Steelers celebrated their 75th Anniversary by inviting to the game a 33-player all-time team with such legends as Terry Bradshaw, Jack Ham, Lynn Swann and Mean Joe Greene.
“Mean Joe” Greene is probably the best nickname in football history, followed closely by Jerome Bettis as “The Bus” and “Iron Mike” Ditka. That was back in the days before such unimaginative self-chosen nicknames as “Neon Deion“, “The Original 81“, and “Ocho Cinco“.
A nickname should be a one-word adjective that makes you sound like a badass. For example, Jack “The Assassin” Tatum qualifies as having an awesome nickname; Walter “Sweetness” Payton does not. Don’t even get me started on Billy “White Shoes” Johnson.
In case you were wondering, my nickname is “Badass”. That’s all I will answer to, and if anyone ever calls me by another moniker, I swiftly kick them in the throat. Because I’m a badass.
Yes, I’m just a man. I put my pants on one leg at a time like everybody else, but after i put my pants on I wrestle bears and bang Alessandra Ambrosio. Because I’m a badass. The scale for awesomeness is measured in units of Chuck Norris (”Chucks”), and my right forearm alone is worth 3.2 Chucks. I won’t even go into what my genitals scored, but let’s just say it involves a lot of exponents.
I invented the ballpoint pen, alternating AND direct current, and that move where you pick your nose with the end of your thumb so nobody knows you’re picking your nose.
Because, that’s right, I’m a badass.
And did I mention that I sleep with Alessandra Ambrosio? Because we totally do it and stuff, like, every day.
^ Show me a guy who’s not turned on by this and I’ll show you Lance Bass. Or Tom Cruise.Just kidding, Mr. Cruise. Please don’t send your thetans from Venus to kill me and take me to Xenu.
