On Sunday in Minneapolis, rookie Adrian Peterson rushed for 296 yards against an ostensibly good San Diego run defense, setting the single-game NFL rushing record just eight games into his young career. He’s already accumulated 1,036 yards rushing this season, including two games of over 200 yards, which no other rookie has ever accomplished.
Peterson scored three touchdowns on his 30 carries and finished with one more yard than the 295 that Baltimore’s Jamal Lewis put up against Cleveland in 2003. LaDainian Tomlinson was held to just 40 yards on 16 carries as the Vikings won the game 35-17. On the final play of the second half, San Diego’s Antonio Cromartie returned a missed field goal from the back of the end zone 109 yards for a touchdown, giving him the record for the longest play in NFL history.
Peterson may just be a rookie, but in Sunday’s performance he looked like a man among boys; he was that dominating. It was like when I forged a birth certificate last year to play Little League baseball, even though I’m approximately 15 years older than all the other players. Since I sucked in Little League when I was a kid, I figured I’d sign up again to prove to myself that I, as a full-grown man, was a better athlete than children who still sometimes urinate on themselves while sleeping.
As it turns out, I wasn’t. Apparently a steady diet of vodka and Cinnabon’s since college had atrophied my reflexes and killed my hand-eye coordination. However, since I weighed 90 pounds more than everyone else, I could charge the mound with impunity and usually give the opposing pitcher a black eye and a sore nutsack before being dragged away.Protective cups are surprisingly ineffective against kneecaps
I batted .156 and made 45 errors on the season, but I did manage to park the pink CadillacThat means “have sex” with three of my teammates’ moms and get thrown out of a game for being under the influence of a certain grassy herb. All the parents started yelling at me about setting a bad example in front of their kids, but I just told them, “Hey, if I wanted to sit and listen to someone yammer about their problems, I’d be at my A.A. meeting.”
Kids. They suck.
^ My new motto.
