Archive for November 2nd, 2007

02
Nov

UNC is preseason No. 1 in men’s basketball, I am preseason No. 1 in men’s overall

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Basketball

Tyler Hansbrough and the North Carolina Tar Heels will start the 2007-08 season as the top-ranked men’s basketball team in America, the sixth time UNC has been the #1 pick in the Associated Press’s preseason poll. UCLA, Memphis, Kansas, and Georgetown round out the top five.

In related news, I have been voted the most awesome male human in America.The votes for most awesome male overall went to a panda in the Beijing Zoo named Gu-Gu who bit chunks out of some idiot teenager’s leg. My potency, virility, testicle size, and irresistible-ness to the opposite sex has led to my top rating by the AP, putting me slightly ahead of runners-up Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent, and the Rock. For the fifth year in a row, the last-place finisher was Scott Stapp, the lead singer of Creed. Tied for second-to-last place in the men’s category were Star Wars kid and Ellen DeGeneres.

Tops overall in the women’s category was Hayden Panettiere, a surprising newcomer over last year’s winner and heavily-favored Scarlett Johansson.

As per tradition, Hayden and I will now have to mate with each other to produce offspring who will someday fight to the death with the children of previous winners. I’m confident my son will be able to defeat the kid of last year’s champions, James Lipton and Johansson.

You can see it all on the TV series “Modern-Day Gladiators Fight To The Death With Golf Clubs”, which will begin airing in 2025 on FOX,Where else? just before the 35th season of “The Simpsons”. Wish my future son luck; those Liptons fight dirty.

hayden panettiere
^ Hayden is 18 now, so this isn’t creepy at all, right? Right?

02
Nov

Barry Bonds hates the Hall of Fame, America, apple pie

By thepostgame 2 Comments
Categories: MLB


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Barry Bonds has threatened to boycott the baseball Hall of Fame if they display his record-breaking 756th home run ball with an asterisk attached to it. In case you hadn’t heard, the ball was bought for $752,467 by eccentric fashion designer Mark Ecko, who then allowed fans to decide its fate through his vote756.com website. After 10 million votes, the public had responded by voting for Ecko to donate the ball to Cooperstown after being branded with an asterisk to protest Bonds’s alleged steroid use.

Bonds has called Ecko “an idiot” and discusses his response should the Hall of Fame accept the ball.

“I won’t go. I won’t be part of it,” Bonds said in an interview with MSNBC that aired Thursday night. “You can call me, but I won’t be there….I don’t think you can put an asterisk in the game of baseball, and I don’t think that the Hall of Fame can accept an asterisk,” Bonds said. “You cannot give people the freedom, the right to alter history. You can’t do it. There’s no such thing as an asterisk in baseball.”

Bonds’s new autobiography, “Barry Bonds: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened“, hits stores next month. The book will depict Bond’s story of how he would have injected himself with illegal performance-enhancing steroids to allow him to break baseball’s most coveted record, if he had taken illegal performance-enhancing steroids in the first place. The introduction is written by Rafael Palmeiro.

I would almost respect Bonds now if he stood up and admitting taking banned substances, but that isn’t going to happen. It’s about as likely as me having an erection after watching Michael Douglas do nude jumping jacks. Because that’s just un-possible.

02
Nov

Virginia Tech dismantles the Yellow Jackets 27-3 on their field and in their jerseys

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

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Thursday night in Atlanta, Sean Glennon and the Hokies atoned for last week’s heartbreaking loss to Boston College by crushing Georgia Tech 27-3. Glennon completed 22 of 32 passes for 296 yards and two touchdowns, and Brandon Ore added 86 yards on the ground as the Hokies’ offense controlled the entire game with 37:25 total time-of-possession.

To make matters worse, Glennon and three of his teammates were forced to suit up in white Georgia Tech road jerseys after their own attire mysteriously disappeared before the game. The players blacked out the “Yellow Jackets” name across the front, as well as the Russell logo (replaced by a crude Nike swoosh), and the players’ names were written on the back in black marker in what was probably the most ghetto apparel situation possible by a major college team.

The AP report continues,

The Hokies had no idea what happened to the four jerseys. There was no evidence of a break-in to the visiting locker room. A review of video surveillance tape showed nothing suspicious.

If this was a prank by a Georgia Tech student, I have to say it was executed pretty well. They got past the video surveillance into a secured locker room, stole the jerseys, and left without a trace of evidence. We need more pranks like this in college football. Instead of just holding up clever signs behind ESPN’s Gameday booth and chanting “(Opposing quarterback) sucks” at the game, students should go out and commit felonious acts.

I’m issuing a challenge: anyone who pulls a prank big enough to get mentioned on a telecast will win a free time machine from me. If you also kidnap a live mascot, I will throw in a mini-fridge.

Don’t you wish you had a time machine so you could go back and not get a blowjob from that “woman” behind the 7-11 that time when I was in high school? It can be yours, for free.

So, drunken college students, go out there and slash those team bus tires, steal those helmets, violate those animal mascots, and poop on Lee Corso’s windshield.The key to a good windshield poop is the subsequent smearing pattern. Use a stick or something, not your hands. Freak. Make sure to get lots of photographic evidence, then put it all on your Facebook page.


^ If you get the opposing student section to spell out “We lick chode,” I will buy you a Kia.