Archive for November, 2007

16
Nov

The top 10 missed dunks of all time, and Kelly Ripa

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NBA

TheAngryT has a posting entitled “10 Missed Dunks that Will Make you Feel Better About Yourself“, which proves that dunks are never a sure thing, even when being executed by professional athletes with 42-inch verticals and hands large enough to envelop Jay Leno’s chin or Pauly Shore’s incompetence.

The best one is of a random guy in a European dunk contest who tries to dunk over his stationary female assistant and ends up embedding his nutsack into her forehead.

When will those silly Europeans learn? Stick to things you’re good at, like making pastries and wearing tight sparkly shirts. In return, we Americans will stick to our fortés, which are basically being fat, depleting the earth’s natural resources, and complaining about Europeans.

I actually made it to Europe for the first time last month. My first stop was Amsterdam, and any city that has legal gambling, hookers, and marijuana is all right with me. I have to say it was weird being around a bunch of thin, well-dressed people, because I live in the southeastern US where hotels leave fried chicken and pecan pie on your pillow instead of a mint.

Aren’t hotels great? You can pee in the shower and poop in the sink and a maid will come along and clean it up for you. It’s what I imagine Kelly Ripa’s life to be like. I don’t know why, but she just strikes me as someone who likes to dump in the sink.

Kelly Ripa
^ Shits in inappropriate locations.

In conclusion, here is a video of the sweetest dunk of all time, performed by 7′2″That’s equivalent to 4.38 volts, for you metric-loving Europeans Vince Carter in the 2000 Olympics.

16
Nov

Barry Bonds indicted on federal charges

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

No shit.

15
Nov

The Red Sox hate their fans

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

yankeessuckkid.jpg

In a show of thanks to Red Sox fans who’ve supported the team through their recent success by filling up Fenway for 388 consecutive games despite the highest average ticket cost in baseball, Boston management has raised ticket prices by an additional 9%.

The Boston.com article continues,

A little more than two weeks after the Red Sox won their second World Series in four seasons, the team decided it needed more revenue to fund everything from Fenway Park improvements to free agents to draftees…According to Team Marketing Report’s 2007 Fan Cost Index, which includes two average adult tickets, two average children’s tickets, four small sodas, two small beers, four hot dogs, two programs, parking, and two adult caps, the Red Sox far surpassed the runner-up Yankees, $313.83 to $222.53.

The new Yankee Stadium, which is set to open in 2009, will drastically increase revenue for Boston’s arch-competitor, and prompted a Boston VP to state, “Right or wrong, we do feel like we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses.”

It is because of the ridiculous sums that free agents are getting now that Boston is forced to raise ticket prices to remain competitive. $70 million for J.D. Drew? Come on. That being said, it’s very clear to me whose fault this is: Catfish Hunter, major league baseball’s first free agent. That bastard ruined everything.

Also, what kind of a name is “Catfish”? If you’re going to be nicknamed after an animal, at least make it something like “Polar Bear” or “Water Buffalo”, am I right? Because then he would have been called “Polar Bear Hunter” and he could tell people that he got the nickname by strangling three polar bears with his bare hands in an Arctic storm when he was eight years old.

The lesson for today is that a nickname has got to be descriptive. Mine is “Richster McCashBastard”, because I’m extraordinarily wealthy. I’ve also been called “Norman Bates”, because I stab women in the shower. I’ll answer to either one; it’s your choice.

polar-bear-cubs.jpg
^ Isn’t that cute? The one on the left was my dinner last night. Don’t tell PETA.

14
Nov

Old white man wants to ball with young black men

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NBA

pat-riley.jpg

Pat Riley thinks he can play.

Minutes after watching the Miami Heat miss shot after shot in another uninspiring performance that ended in a 91-76 loss to the Charlotte Bobcats, coach Pat Riley was asked what he could do to generate some offense.

“Me? Play. I guarantee you I should suit up. I’d play better than some of them right now,” Riley said Tuesday night. “I guarantee it. I swear to God. With an old hip and 62 years old and I can’t see, I’ll play better than some of my guys tonight. Come on, they were pretty bad.”

Raise your hand if you’d buy a ticket to see Pat Riley suit up for a Heat game. Now hang on while I count them all…okay, 67 million people raised their hand. That should generate about a billion dollars in revenue, which would allow Miami to buy Kobe from the Lakers and maybe actually WIN a game for once.

See? I solved just their problems - I’m a genius. At least my mom always told me so. Every day starting when I was seven years old, she would give me a kiss and tell me I was handsome and smart, and then send me off to the coal mines.We’re from Kentucky. I was so envious of my nine-year-old brother; he got to work at the Nike factory.

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