Archive for October 29th, 2007

29
Oct

Another one bites the dust - Jets bench Pennington

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

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After a 1-7 start by the New York Jets, including Sunday’s 13-3 loss against the Buffalo Bills, starting quarterback Chad Pennington has been benched in favor of backup Kellen Clemens. The AP report continues with coach Eric Mangini’s comments,

“I made this decision not based on singling out Chad for where we are, but based on the fact that I think Kellen has earned this opportunity,” Mangini said. “I want to give him this opportunity. It’s in no way an indication that Chad is solely responsible. We all are.”

By my count, that makes 1,435 NFL starting quarterbacks who’ve been benched for injuries or ineffectiveness during the 2007 season. (This number may be slightly inflated, as my research was conducted by drunken lemurs.)

If you’re one of the few remaining NFL starters left and your name isn’t Manning or Brady, you should seriously think about taking the rest of the year off to go home, play Candyland with your kids, and tend to your hydrangeas. Do you really want to stay around as the starter while every other NFL quarterback is going down like Pam Anderson on spring break? I don’t think so. That’s about as good an idea as a shaft-only condom.

Which, as my newborn son can attest, isn’t really a good idea at all.

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^ How the hell did Kid Rock get her?

29
Oct

A-Rod opting out of contract, because $252 million just doesn’t go as far as it used to

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

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SI.com reported on Sunday that Yankees superstar slugger Alex Rodriguez is opting out of his Yankees contract, leaving him a free agent and allowing him to negotiate with all 30 major league teams through his tenacious agent, Scott Boras.

Rodriguez’s timing couldn’t be better. He’s coming off a 2007 season in which he batted .314, hit 54 home runs, had 154 RBI, scored 143 runs, and slugged .645; he led the league in the latter four categories. The Yankees have proclaimed that if A-Rod opted out of his contract they would not pursue him further, since in that scenario the team would not receive the benefit of a $30-million subsidy from the Texas Rangers.

The SI.com article continues,

Boras hasn’t said how much he believes Rodriguez is worth on the open market, but he suggested in interviews that Rodriguez could be worth $500 million to the Yankees over the next 10 years. It’s clear he’s shooting for a deal well in excess of $300 million, perhaps even as much as $400 million.

Whatever you may say about him, Scott Boras is a badass. He makes 5 percent commission on all his clients’ deals. Besides A-Rod, he represents Johnny Damon, Jason Varitek, Carlos Beltran, Barry Zito, Bernie Williams, Greg Maddux, and some guy named Barry Bonds.

He negotiates multi-million dollar, multi-year deals, then basically sits around playing with himself for five years and getting 5% of their salary. He’s essentially the same as a gold digger who marries a rich old guy, or any girl who hangs out with Hugh Hefner. Reading about his ridiculous contracts is like watching a bulimic girl eat four pieces of delicious pumpkin pie: you’re rather disgusted because you know it isn’t going to have a pretty ending, but somehow you can’t look away.

It’s awesome, because Boras has all this money but nobody likes him. He’s the guy who makes people glad they have caller ID. I see him sitting around his pool all day, drinking Keystone Light out of a champagne flute and wearing two monocles to look sophisticated. Also, I hear he has dandruff and he watches “Kid Nation“.

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^ Even Borat is cooler than Boras

29
Oct

Trinity vs. Millsaps: apparently Division XVII football can be exciting

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

If you haven’t seen this play, it’s worth checking out. Fifteen laterals - enough said. (See a higher resolution version on ESPN.com.)

Is this the most amazing football play I’ve ever seen? Do bears do unspeakable things in the woods? Is the pope best friends with Mel Gibson? Does Creed suck? Is Andy Rooney terribly annoying and quite possibly senile by now? Is Coors Light the best domestic light beer out there, despite what the Clydesdale Horses on TV tell us?

Budweiser horses
^ Screw you, Mr. Ed. Bud Light sucks.

29
Oct

Boston brews up their second World Series championship in four years

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

Red Sox Title

On a chilly Sunday night in Denver, the Red Sox beat Colorado 4-3 to complete a four-game sweep of the once-hottest team in baseball and clinch their second title since 2004. The much-hyped Rockies had entered the series having won 21 of 22 games, including sweeps in the NLDS and NLCS, but were simply overmatched by both the pitching and hitting of the Boston club. When the dust cleared, Boston had outscored Colorado 29-10 in the series (the biggest run differential in World Series history), outhit Colorado .333 to .218, and never trailed in the final 23 innings of play.

The city of Boston, of course, is also enjoying an impressive 8-0 start by their New England Patriots (including a 52-7 win over Washington on Sunday), an 8-0 start by the Boston College Eagles (after a 14-10 comeback win over a tough Virginia Tech team Thursday night), and the acquisition of a forward named Kevin Garnett by their Celtics.

That. Is. Unfair.

This situation reminds me of high school where there were always those jocks with school-wide popularity, unbelievable athletic ability, six-pack abs, clear skin, dashingly good looks, a hot girlfriend, and an even hotter girl on the side. While the rest of us were struggling with pimples, awkwardness around the opposite sex, and daily wedgies, these guys seemed like they had the world in the palm of their hand.

But be careful, Boston, it doesn’t last. Sooner or later the jock gets herpes from a local beach skank on Senior Week, his SAT scores don’t impress anyone, and his hot girlfriend prances off to State University to get more nuts put in her than a Snickers bar while the jock languishes in community college.

Also I splintered his femur with a crowbar.

The motto of the story is all the “popular kids” end up working at Food Lion, while I’m living the good life cruising around the Mediterranean on my yacht full of heroin and diamonds.

And hot girls. Yeah, it’s also full of hot girls.


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^ Not for you, Tyler. Go back to the produce section.