Here’s a list of the 21 phrases that are least-likely to be used by a sports commentator on live TV:
- “He can carry this team on his back, and there’s a video on Youtube of him doing just that.”
- “They call this reliever Kotex because he comes in and stops the bleeding.”
- “This match is David versus Goliath, if David made $6 million a year and had a gambling problem.”
- “He must have ice-water in his veins!” “Nope, John, that’s heroin.”
- “I’d like to be down on the sidelines to hear that conversation. Of course, I’d also like to stick my dick in this bagel. Anyone want this bagel?”
- “Defense wins championships while offense is banging defense’s fiance.”
- “At this point in the game all bets are off. Including mine. Hear that, Tony?”
- “These fans are getting their money’s worth tonight, but only if it’s Canadian money.”
- “That god-awful call by the ref was sponsored by Alltel.”
- “They’re shooting well from downtown, which is where my son lives now that he has decided he’s gay.”
- “He has the heart of a champion. Seriously, he dug up Joe Dimaggio for it.”
- “I can’t say this game has turned into a chess match, it’s really more like a Tic-Tac-Toe match between Mariah Carey and a dolphin.”
- “And with that play, you can see the frustration starting to set in like chlamydia.”
- “As the saying goes: you drive for hoes, putt for dough.”
- “The Chargers gained five yards on that play; my wife is filing for divorce.”
- “Yes, Mike, I would also definitely bang that cheerleader. Yeah, the brunette.”
- “This team is as red-hot as the core of a Type II supernova star in hydrostatic equilibrium (before it approaches the Chandrasekhar limit, of course). Ha Ha!”
- “He’s having a monster game, just like that bloodthirsty monster in your closet, kids.”
- “This is the worst performance I’ve seen by an eighteen-year-old since Miss Teen South Carolina. Man, that girl was dumb.”
- “On that last play, the defensive back got ran over like Princess Di.”
- “Records are made to be broken - by blacks.”
^ Dumb & Dumber
