Archive for October 22nd, 2007

22
Oct

Indians pitcher Paul Byrd spent $25,000 on HGH

By thepostgame 1 Comment
Categories: MLB

Cleveland Indians pitcher Paul Byrd has acknowledged that he purchased up to $25,000 worth of Human Growth Hormone (HGH) from 2002-05, but insists that he ingested the substance under doctor’s orders for a pituitary gland condition, and that he has done nothing wrong.

Just hours before game 7 of the ACLS, which the Indians subsequently lost, Byrd stated,

“I have nothing to hide,” Byrd said about two hours before his team’s biggest game against the Boston Red Sox. “Everything has been done out in the open. I have a reputation. I speak to kids, I speak to churches. I do not want the fans of Cleveland or honest, caring people to think that I cheated.

“Because I didn’t.”

According to the Associated Press article, Byrd is “known for his old-school windup and savvy on the mound,” and he “relies on location and off-speed pitches to get outs.”

If I were Paul Byrd, I would be embarrassed right now. This guy is just over six feet tall, he weighs 190 pounds, and his fastball rarely gets above 90 miles-per-hour. If you’re going to take performance-enhancing drugs, don’t you think they should, um, enhance your performance? He’s 36 years old, so maybe he’s got a disease that makes him age super-quickly, which requires him to take HGH so he doesn’t look like Ted Kennedy.

Because, as my uncle always says, “One Ted Kennedy is one Ted Kennedy too many.” For some reason my uncle usually says this right before he vomits on the recliner and passes out with his hand down his pants, but I don’t think that should affect the validity of his opinions.

Of course, I’m never sure when to trust my uncle, because he also says I have Attention Deficit oh my God I have the itchiest asshole EVER today.

22
Oct

Red Sox advance to World Series, Roger Clemens rolls over in his grave

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

red-sox-go-to-series.jpg

In Sunday night’s game 7 of the ACLS, Boston beat the Cleveland Indians 12-2 to clinch the American League pennant and move on to a World Series matchup with the red-hot Colorado Rockies. Cleveland had led the series three games to one and looked poised to eliminate the Sox, but Boston outscored Cleveland 30-5 and never fell behind in emphatically winning the final three games.

I’m not sure how the Red Sox managed to pull this one off, but I was impressed. Or, more accurately, I would be impressed if all these donkey tranquilizers allowed me to experience emotions. I had predicted that the Indians would win the series because Boston is, well, cursed. Don’t tase me just because I was wrong. Everyone knows hindsight is 50-50.

Hopefully Boston will choke in the World Series, giving me freedom to write funny material about them on my site, which will draw readers, which will make me rich, which will allow me to retire so I never have to sit behind this bench with my gavel and decide the guilt or innocence of strangers again. Seriously, being a judge sucks. I should have listened to my mom and became a dogwalker. Picking up poop isn’t so bad.


^ Me

22
Oct

Atlanta is where quarterbacks go to die

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

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The Falcons’ newest starting quarterback Byron Leftwich was injured Sunday in Atlanta’s 22-16 loss to the Saints, leaving the game in the third quarter with what coach Bobby Petrino said was a high ankle sprain. Leftwich was named the starter after the Falcons struggled to just a 1-5 record under Joey Harrington. Harrington, of course, has started this entire year due to Michael Vick’s well-publicized legal troubles. He came in to the game after Leftwich’s injury on Sunday and completed 12 passes for 128 yards.

Last week, in an article on the inordinately large number of backup quarterbacks getting playing time in the NFL this year, I suggested that the Falcons were “looking past Byron Leftwich to see if Erin Andrews is available.” I’d like to withdraw that suggestion. Apparently there is a curse on quarterbacks in Atlanta, and I don’t want her breaking her jaw or shattering her femur or getting arrested for meth distribution. If that happened, who would I secretly fantasize about when I’m watching ESPN college football? Chris Berman? Don’t make me laugh. He’s way too old for me.


^ Not Chris Berman

22
Oct

Tony La Russa will be back to manage St. Louis

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

Tony La Russa has agreed to return for his 13th year as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, despite a disastrous 78-84 2007 season following the Cardinals’ surprising World Series championship in 2006. La Russa was speculated to be a candidate to replace Joe Torre with the New York Yankees, although he had denied being interested in the position.

La Russa’s 2006 Cardinals, with 83 wins, had the worst regular season record ever by a championship team. In 2007, the Cardinals finished the season seven games behind the Chicago Cubs and were never really in the race for a postseason berth. Their payroll of over $90,000,000 is 12th in the majors, but top offensive stars such as Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds had off-years, and only two of their pitchers managed to win more than eight games. La Russa managed to start the year off with a bang, getting arrested in March for drunken-driving charge near the team’s spring training complex in Florida.

In short, Tony’s got a lot of work to do if he wants the 2008 team to climb over .500 and not be like the 2007 team, which was a fat, stinking bowl of severed buffalo wang. The 2006 team was mildly better; I’ll call it a somewhat-smelly container of almost expired Chinese noodles. Man, I should write a cookbook.