Archive for October 18th, 2007

18
Oct

Vick owes more money to more people. Surprised?

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

The AP reported Tuesday that Wachovia Bank is suing Michael Vick for $940,000 in loans that have been defaulted on since Vick’s federal indictment. The money was intended to “set up a wine shop and restaurant”, and the bank claims that Vick and his business partners have failed to make the monthly payments of principal and interest.

Honestly, fellas, good luck with that. Get in line. Giving your money back is probably the last damn thing Vick is worried about at this point. I’m a Certified Public AccountantIt’s true, the certificate I bought online says so, and from a review of his assets and liabilities it looks like Vick is almost certainly going to have to file for bankruptcy, leaving his creditors with nothing except a handful of doo rags and an empty bong.Is there anything in the world sadder than an empty bong? Maybe an abandoned crippled kitten stuck in the mud during a hurricane, but even that’s close.

Just watch, one day all his shit is going to end up on Craigslist; keep an eye out for it. The ad will read “Federal Conviction & Bankruptcy = Everything must GO!!!!11!1! Great deals on furniture, marijuana, and silverware! Get a used cheese grater for 50 cents - this will keep my cornhole innocent and pure for one more day!”

Just kidding, children. Remember, prison rape jokes are overused and usually not funny. Unicycles and prairie dogs are funny, but I couldn’t figure out how to work them into this article.

18
Oct

Manny Ramirez likes to lose, kills puppies

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

manny-on-ground.jpg

In a rare clubhouse interview yesterday, the always-controversial Boston slugger Manny “I’m Aloof, Which Makes Me Cool” Ramirez made a statement that raised some eyebrows.

Why should we panic? We’ve got a great team. … It doesn’t happen, so who cares? There’s always next year. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

“Wait ‘Til Next Year”, a phrase practically patented by the Chicago Cubs, is not what Red Sox fans want to hear from their $17,000,000 man before the end of this year. Granted, the BoSox will probably lose the series; that’s what the BoSox do. The Indians have won three straight since Boston’s victory in the first game; historically, only 10 of the 65 MLB teams that were down 3-1 in a best-of-seven series have rallied to win three in a row. One of those teams, famously, was Manny’s 2004 Boston Red Rox club, who were eventual World Champions.

I’m not sure what Manny was thinking here. Of course there’s always next year, but after fifteen years in the majors, why hasn’t Manny learned to talk to the media by now? Just spout some clichés such as “We’ve got to play them one game at a time”This seems obvious. Playing more than one game at a time would be a logistical nightmare. and “I’m going to give 110%”, and go home. If you say anything controversial, bloggers with no life and third-grade writing skills will write negative articles about you in hopes of infusing their dreadful existence with joy by dragging down someone much more accomplished than them. Or you’ll piss off your fans.

Hell, maybe Manny’s simply tired of playing baseball six days a week for eight months and just wants to relax and give some strippers a hot beef injection while drinking mojitos in Florida.If you ever do this, lock up your shit. Strippers steal. Just don’t say that.

I’m an Atlanta Braves fan, so at this point in the season I wouldn’t care if Hugh Hefner bought the Red Sox and let Playboy’s Girls Next Door play middle infield for the next game against Cleveland. However, if I were a Boston fan, I might be a little upset by Manny’s remarks.

Girls Next Door
^ Yes, this is a completely unnecessary picture of hot girls. But now your weiner is thanking me, isn’t it? Tell your weiner I said, “You’re welcome. You’re welcome, Mr. random weiner.”