Archive for October 15th, 2007

15
Oct

Another crack in the Juice’s glass

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

More bad news for O.J. Simpson: two co-defendants in his Las Vegas armed robbery case have agreed to “plead guilty to reduced charges and testify against the former football star.”

Even though I consider myself a humor columnist (despite my psychiatrist’s pleas), there’s nothing more I can say about this guy. His whole sordid life has been scrutinized in endless detail, from the initial murder charges, to losing his civil lawsuit, to his tactless “If I Did It” manuscript, to his sex tapeI’m going to assume that you haven’t seen his sex tape, because you’re reading these words, and therefore must still possess your eyesight, to his recent murder threats against a handyman, to this recent robbery fiasco in Las Vegas.

There, I just basically wrote his biography. I should get a four-million dollar advance for those words I just wrote. From what I hear, O.J. also used to play football or something, but now he’s dedicated his life to being good old-fashioned crazy.

I actually wrote a computer program to analyze every word ever written or said about him, in an attempt to come up with something new to say. After five hours of beeping and whirring“Beeping and Whirring” would be a good name for a jazz band, or a Silicon Valley-based lesbian porno., it gave me the result I’d been expecting: there is nothing left to say about Orenthal James Simpson that hasn’t already been said on the interweb or in a late night TV host’s monologue. So I’m going to make a promise to you, dear readers. I will never write about O.J. again. Ever. I’m tired of him.

If he’s elected president and is impeached for sexual advances upon farm animals, you won’t hear it from me. If he returns to the NFL and beats out Brett Favre for Green Bay’s starting quarterback, you won’t hear it from me. If he turns out to be a rabid anti-Scientologist and subsequently kidnaps Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, you DEFINITELY won’t hear it from me because I’m going to be right beside him, helping to apply the duct tape.

Now, to cheer me up, here’s Katie Holmes when she used to be hot, before she traded bodies with Ricki Lake and brains with Ozzy Osbourne.

15
Oct

The WAC has good defense

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

nevada.jpg

After 1,266 total yards of offense and 136 points scored, Boise State emerged on top Sunday night with a dramatic 4OT 69-67 win over conference rival Nevada (motto: “Seriously, Someone Please Help Us Get Out Of Nevada”). The contest finally ended with a sack of Nevada’s quarterback Colin Kaepernick on a two-point conversion attempt after the game’s 17th touchdown was scored. When all was said and done, the two teams had set a record for the most points scored in a Division I-A game since record-keeping began 70 years ago. Of course, 70 years ago there were no helmets or pads, the teams played with a live chicken instead of a football, and cigarettes were still healthy for you.Please ignore me, I’m rambling

I realize that people love watching offense, but this is getting a little ridiculous. Granted, the game was only 44-44 heading into overtime and the final tally was distorted by NCAA’s overtime rules, but putting up a basketball score doesn’t help your BCS bowl cause, Boise State.Where is the state of Boise, anyway? I’m a geography teacher and I don’t even know I know you’re 5-1, but you haven’t played a ranked team yet, which means you basically have to beat your opponents by three touchdowns and cure a major disease every week to garner respect with the voters. That’s just the way it is.

It’s the same situation with Hawaii. It’s a given that Colt Brennan is going to pass for 500 yards a game and the Warriors will hang half-a-hundred on whoever they play, but you have to look deeper to truly understand the score. It’s like when you get drunk in New York and end up in whatever country is north of the US: they have their own currency, which you must adjust for to calculate the true cost of essentials such as gasoline and hookers.

Here’s the conversion table. I’ve set the baseline at “ACC”.

Conference Conversion factor 20 points is worth:
SEC 1.65 33 points
Big 10 1.32 26.4 points
Big 12 1.2 24 points
ACC 1.0 20 points
Pac 10 0.9 18 points
Big East 0.85 17 points
MAC 0.83 16.6 points
Sunbelt 0.77 15.4 points
Mountain West 0.73 14.6 points
C-USA 0.62 12.4 points
WAC 0.35 7 points

So, there you have it. The final score for the Boise State-Nevada atrocity was actually about 24-23. I know this, because I’m a rocket scientist. Assuming, of course, that you replace the word “rocket” with “boob”. Finally, my secret is out. I’m a boob scientist.


^ Boob scientist research material

15
Oct

First BCS standings are out, cue up the controversy

By thepostgame 2 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

ohio-state.jpg

The first BCS standings of the 2007 college football season have been released, underscoring how much has changed since the preseason polls were issued just eight weeks ago. After top-ranked Ohio State, the list is sprinkled with teams unfamiliar to elite postseason bowl games. The second-best team in the country is the South Florida “Yes, We Have A Football Team” Bulls, whose meteoric rise over the past few weeks was fueled by surprise wins over Auburn and West Virginia, along with fortuitous losses by higher-ranked traditional powerhouses such as USC, LSU, and Florida. Indeed, the Bulls are ranked #1 by five of the six computer polls, and if “The Matrix” taught us anything, it’s that computers are better than humans.

Boston College, LSU, and Oklahoma round out the rest of the top five spots. In a surprising computer glitch, disproving my previous computers-vs-humans theory, the #6 spot in the BCS was given to an eighth-grade chess team from Raleigh, North Carolina. The seven teenagers, combining for 814 pounds and zero sexual experiences, were unavailable for comment. Sources speculate they are busy masturbating in the basement to their mother’s Redbook.Ah, eighth grade…

Five of the six unbeaten teams remaining this season have never been to a BCS bowl: South Florida, Boston College, Arizona State, Kansas and Hawaii. If a few of these teams run the table (such as Hawaii, who has the weakest schedule in college football), how will the BCS stack them up against the one-loss teams from “real” conferences, such as LSU, USC, or Oklahoma? In my opinion, two of the five unbeaten teams are legit: South Florida and Boston College. The other three should have a tickle-fightAh, ninth grade… to see who gets to go to the GMAC Bowl.