The New England Patriots recorded an impressive 48-27 win over the previously unbeaten Cowboys Sunday, proving that Tom Brady & CompanyNote: not a real company are who we thought they were. Brady passed for 388 yards and five touchdowns while New England’s defense held Terrell Owens mostly in check, giving the Patriots their sixth straight blowout win to start the season.
I think we can all agree that matching up the current Patriots team against anyone but Indianapolis is pretty useless. It’s like telling Rocky to sit out and let Adrian fight Mr. T, or giving Tyler Perry his own sitcomSeriously, have you ever seen that show?: it’s just not a good idea.
However, I will admit that watching T.O.’s team lose was as much fun as I’ve had since I motorboated that chick from “Heroes.”
Yep, that one. Although, tragically, she tried to return the favor by motorboating me without taking into account my rock-hard pectoral muscles, necessitating an emergency dental appointment and twelve stitches.
Later Sunday, in a surprise move, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell decreed that at the end of the season the AFC Champion Colts or Pats will play the entire NFC Pro Bowl team in Super Bowl XLII. Additionally, the NFC lineup will be spotted 13 points and allowed to play while riding snowmobiles.
Speaking of snowmobiles and football, here’s more Ali Larter:
^ Proof of evolution
The reigning NFC Champion Chicago Bears lost at home to the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday due to four turnovers and a flaccid running game. Brian “Greasy” Griese passed for over 380 yards but it wasn’t enough to overcome 224 yards rushing and three touchdowns by Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson. The game was Griese’s third straight start at quarterback over everyone’s favorite scapegoat, Rex Grossman, and the ursines have gone 1-2 under his leadership. Minnesota improved their record to 2-3, although nobody cares.
The 2006 Chicago Bears went 13-3 and breezed past the Saints 39-14 in the NFC Championship game. If it weren’t for Devin Hester, I think the current Bears team would have trouble beating Appalachian State. The year so far has to be a huge disappointment to Chicagoians (Chicagonites?, Chicagonese?) after their beloved Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks in the NLDS.
However, if you want my sympathy, you should not probably live in Chicago, the city famous for being windy. Some cities are best-known for important historical events or famous landmarks; Chicago is most famous for its moving air.
For what it’s worth, if you do in fact want my sympathy, here is a list of things which WILL cause me to feel sorry for you:
^ Monkey, I will give you a thousand bananas if you will jerk that knife up right now…
Evander Holyfield’s bid to become the second-oldest heavyweight champion ever fell short Saturday in Moscow, as the 45-year-old was defeated in a unanimous decision by Russia’s Sultan Ibragimov. It would have been the fifth heavyweight title for Evander, whose personal motto is “God Helps Me Beat People Up“. Ibragimov kept his WBO title and will seek to “unify a fractured division,” which consists of four different title holders for the WBO (Ibragimov), IBF (Wladimir Klitschko), WBA (Ruslan Chagaev), and WBC (Samuel Peter).
In 1994 45-year-old George Foreman became the oldest heavyweight champion of all time by knocking out Michael “No, I’m Not That Fat Guy Who Made Bowling for Columbine” Moorer for the WBF and IBA titles, and no doubt Holyfield used Foreman’s fight as inspiration. However, after Evander’s latest fight, it’s clear what needs to be done: we need a senior’s boxing division. The Professional Golfers’ Association has the Senior PGA tour to bring some happiness to old golfers before they die, and boxing should follow in their footsteps. There could be a 45- to 59-year-old division, a 60- to 74-year-old division, and a Jack LaLanne division.
To make things more interesting, additional rules would be instituted for the various divisions. For example, senior fighters would be docked one point for soiling themselves or complaining about Congress, and additional points could be earned for properly using a modern cell phone. Betting would be encouraged, because senility would prevent boxers from possessing the intellectual capacity to throw the fight. Instead of a prize purse, the winner would receive a once-a-week session with several children who would be forced to listen to their terrible, terrible stories. The loser of the fight would of course be killed.
An 11th inning bases-loaded walk to Willy Taveras forced in the winning run to give Colorado a 3-2 victory over the Diamondbacks Friday night, putting the Rockies up two games to none in the best-of-seven series. The win was Colorado’s 19th in the last 20 games and they are now two wins away from their first ever National League pennant and World Series appearance.
In this era of parity in professional sports, hot streaks like the one the Rockies currently enjoy are almost unheard of, especially considering that it extends into the postseason against supposedly stiff competition. At this point it seems like they could insert nine random Little Leaguers from the stands into their starting lineup, give them team tequila shots in between innings, and still come out on top. Before you tell me this this is a ridiculous idea and I should probably go back to taking my court-ordered medication, let me first state that they would drink Patrón, not that cheap Pepe Lopez crap. Cheap tequila can upset young stomachs, and that wouldn’t be very responsible at all, would it?
In fact, I’ll bet you didn’t know that this very stunt was tried several years ago by a small minor league team in South Carolina, with disastrous results. By the third inning the nine- and ten-year-olds were puking in the bullpen and sexually assaulting the opposing mascot; however, the game was declared a semi-success due to the surprisingly positive fan response to a seventh inning brawl. In case you were wondering, drunk prepubescent boys fight dirty and are incredibly resistant to direct kicks in the groin because their balls haven’t dropped yet.* Although, if you were actually wondering that, you have bigger problems than I can help you with, my friend.
*I know, because I’m a real live doctor. Not really a doctor like Dr. Ruth, but more of a doctor like Dr. Pepper. And by that, I mean I’m delicious and would go well with a Thickburger.P.S. No fat chicks
