Archive for October 12th, 2007

12
Oct

NHL’s Boulerice gets 25 games for attack on Kesler

By thepostgame 1 Comment
Categories: NHL

Philadelphia Flyers forward Jesse Boulerice was suspended for 25 games today for his vicious crosscheck on Vancouver’s Ryan Kesler Wednesday night. With the game out of reach late in Philadelphia’s 8-2 win, Boulerice raised his stick and blindsided Kesler across the face, leaving the Canuck motionless on the ice (he later skated off under his own power). This isn’t an isolated incident for either Boulerice or his team: he once pleaded no contest to aggravated assault for an incident in the OHL, and his teammate Steve “Down Syndrome” Downie is currently serving a 20-game suspension for delivering a “deliberate and dangerous” hit on Ottawa’s Dean McAmmond.

Flyers coach John Stevens made the awesome revelation that “There’s nothing good that comes out of an incident like that,” which is like saying that golden retriever puppies are cuter than scorpions, or that my testicles are enormous. It’s self-evident.

I personally don’t follow hockey, mainly because I value my eyesight and don’t want to lose it while squinting and trying to follow the goddamn puck. However, it seems to me that two things are true:

  1. The NHL strongly condemns fighting and is trying to inject sportsmanship into the game
  2. Fans love fights

I think the NHL needs to just go ahead and promote the fighting aspect. They could just add two or three “fighting” periods, which would function much like a mixed martial arts match. Each team chooses a player and they line up in the center circle wearing full equipment, sans sticks, and everything is legal for 60 seconds. The winner is determined by the least liters of blood lost, each fighting period is worth one goal, and the loser of each period has to wear a dress for the rest of the game.

I would submit this idea to the NHL myself, but the details of my restraining order forbid it. Jeez, rape three or four team mascots and suddenly you’re a “danger to society.” What’s this country coming to?

12
Oct

Randy Couture leaves UFC, takes up knitting

By thepostgame 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized

Mixed martial arts badass and current heavyweight champion Randy Couture announced his retirement yesterday, leaving the UFC heavyweight title up for grabs. SI.com reports on his resignation letter:

“I appreciate this opportunity the sport of MMA and the UFC has given me,” Couture said in the letter. “However, I’m tired of swimming upstream at this stage with the management of the UFC. It only makes sense at this point in my career to fight Fedor Emelianenko, and since he’s now signed with another organization, I feel like it’s time to resign and focus on my other endeavours.”

Couture gave no more details on what he was going to do with his life, but hopefully it still includes beating the shit out of people. I think he could do well as a hired mercenary for people like me who would get their ass kicked by Napoleon Dynamite. He could bridge that awkward gap between tearfully cursing at your enemy and hiring a professional to assassinate them. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had someone killed and then looked back on it and said “You know, he probably just deserved a good ass-kicking.”

At any rate, I was very impressed by his letter, mainly because I assumed that anyone who had been in an MMA ring for more than two or three rounds would be functionally illiterate. Hell, I got hit in the head with a kickball once in the third grade and I still can’t operate a button fly. I always figured these fighters were basically zombie humans without cognitive reasoning or bowel control, much like Lou Holtz.

12
Oct

FSU plays like Duke, loses to Wake

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

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Wake Forest relied on a balanced offensive attack and a suffocating run-defense to upset the #21 Florida State Seminoles 24-21 last night in Winston-Salem. With the score tied at 14-14 entering the fourth quarter, Riley “My Name Sounds Like I Should Be In Deliverance” Skinner lead an 82-yard drive culminating in a Kenneth Moore touchdown pass. The Demon Deacons later tacked on a field goal to go up by 10 points with 1:40 left; Florida State responded with a quick touchdown but failed to recover the onside kick with 17 seconds left on the clock.

Full disclosure: I am an alumni of Florida State and an avid, loyal fan. That being said, the second half of this game was one of the worst halves I’ve ever seen played by either a Florida State team or a ranked team. It’s no wonder those two groups don’t intersect as often as they used to.

FSU rushed for just 47 yards, the third time they failed to get 100 yards on the ground this year. After watching the game and doing some investigation, I have it on good authority that the Seminoles’ offensive line was replaced by four store mannequins and Kate Moss in a fat suit. FSU’s top running back Antone Smith has a 38-inch vertical, bench presses over 400 pounds, and runs a sub-4.4 40. He finished with 32 yards on 14 carries.

The Demon Deacons figured out FSU’s defense in the second half and mounted two 80+ yard touchdown drives. Skinner was calm and collected under the pass rush and finished 19 of 27 with 215 yards.

Florida State football jumped the shark about 2003, I don’t even know what this constitutes. Skipping the turtle? Seizuring the snail? Humping the hippo? Queering the pony?

Holy Christ, I’ve got to go calm myself by stepping on some baby bunnies. This is what it’s come down to. FSU football kills baby bunnies.

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12
Oct

Reggie Bush is in trouble

By thepostgame 1 Comment
Categories: NCAA Football

The AP reports that sports marketer Lloyd Lake is cooperating with NCAA investigators, giving them financial evidence that he provided Reggie Bush and his family with over $280,000 in illegal benefits during Bush’s electric career at Southern Cal. Also, awesomely, he is expected to file a civil lawsuit against Bush seeking to recoup the money.

This sports marketer guy’s balls belong on Mount Rushmore in between George Washington and Mr. T. He epitomizes everything that America is about: freely giving illegal funding to college athletes and then, once they leave the school, SUING THEM TO GET IT BACK. In my opinion, he is a genius on par with Isaac Newton and the guy who first used hand lotion to whack off.

Bush, who has repeatedly claimed that he did nothing wrong, could have his Heisman trophy revoked if he was found to have broken NCAA rules during his award-winning 2005 season. In addition, it’s being reported that USC could be forced to forfeit games or face other sanctions if it’s proven that the coaches knew or should have known about the alleged improprieties.

But here’s something you might not know: USC has already made a secret deal with the NCAA to settle the matter, in which they agreed to replace their entire starting lineup last Saturday against Stanford with the cast of 7th Heaven. Surprisingly, the Reverend and his family were able to shut out the Cardinal the first half, but gave up 17 points in the fourth quarter for the loss. Jessica Biel, substituting for John David Booty, ended with 364 passing yards, two touchdowns, and four interceptions; however, she claims that three of the picks were the direct result of poorly timed “menstrual cramping.”

You really didn’t think the most dominant college football team of the past decade lost to Stanford, did you? Oh, that’s sad, you did. You actually thought Stanford, the team that had lost three games by a combined 90 points and routinely has trouble making it to the toilet on time, broke USC’s 35-game home winning streak. That’s too bad. Now run along and let the grown-ups talk.