Archive for October 11th, 2007

11
Oct

T.O. doesn’t talk for once, still annoying

By thepostgame 3 Comments
Categories: NFL

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Terrell Owens opted to take a new, welcome tactic with the media this week: shutting the hell up. T.O.’s undefeated Cowboys will face the also-unbeaten New England “In Brady We Trust” Patriots this Sunday in a showdown between two of the most polarizingPolarizing = annoying players in the league today: Owens and Randy “Marijuana” Moss. Owens decided to write a note to reporters outlining his new policy:

Dear Reporters,

Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81. I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday’s game.

Sincerely, (followed by Owens’ signature)

p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

Owens refers to himself as “the Original 81″ and opposing receiver Moss, who wears the same jersey number, as “the other 81.” Terrell and the Cowboys are coming off a 25-24 escape over the 1-4 Buffalo Bills (motto: “Cut Us Some Slack, We Live In Buffalo”) on Monday night, in which the self-proclaimed NFL’s Sharpest Weapon caught two passes for 25 yards.

The best possible scenario now is if Randy Moss called a press conference solely for the reason of talking shit about Terrell Owens, and proceeded to verbally abuse him for a number of hours. Since Owens already stated he wouldn’t talk to the media before the game, what would his response be?

Would he write more notes and drop them from airplanes like a WWII German bomber over London? Would he use his extreme computer hacking skillz to hijack Randy Moss’s website (which, by the way, is awesome)? Would he write an e-book and distribute it over Kazaa and bittorrent? My mind boggles with the possibilities.

Or he could just light some cigars with $100 bills and bang Nicolette Sheridan while eating diamond-encrusted cherries off his marble TV tray and listening to his cavier iPod. Or whatever rich people do.

As for the game, I gotta go with the Pats. Dallas barely beat the Bills, who are basically dead-last in the league in total defense. It’s as if their secondary was made up of Rosie O’Donnell and that gay guy from Blue’s Clues. Also, the last time I checked, Tom Brady was a badass who wipes his butt with pine cones and pees gasoline.

Fun fact for the kiddies: the guy from Blue’s Clues also pees gasoline, but that’s because he has gonorrhea.

11
Oct

Let’s win one for the Gipper - or just dig him up

By thepostgame 5 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

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The Associated Press reported last night that the Gipp family has exhumed the body of Notre Dame football player George Gipp for DNA testing. Gipp was the inspiration for coach Knute Rockne’s famous “Win one for the Gipper” pregame pep talk, which was reenacted by Ronald (”Senile Ron”) Reagan as Rockne in the 1940 film “Knute Rockne, All American.”

A few points I would live to make at this time:

  • I hate to speal ill of the dead*, but George Gipp is an extremely pansy name. It sounds like something a six-year-old girl would name her goldfish, if the girl and the goldfish were of the same intelligence level. When will people learn that alliteration in male names (i.e., George Gipp, Ronald Reagan) sounds effeminate; alliteration in female names (Daisy Duke) sounds pretty hot, and also a little porn star-ish.
  • On the flip site, Knute Rockne is one of the manliest names of all time. I get the impression that he poured horse urine onto a bowl of shark teeth and ate it every day for breakfast…although whenever I do that, for some reason it’s not manly, just more evidence for the “courts”.

Follow this impeccable logic: Gipp inspired Rockne’s famous line from his deathbed, which was later reenacted by Ronald Reagan in a movie which made a star of the young Reagan, whose popularity as an actor was the main reason Americans elected him as governor of California in 1966 and president of the U.S. in 1980, whose administration later supplied financing, weapons, and training to Afghani opposition groups called the mujahedeen after the Soviets invaded Afghanistan, which enabled another financier named Osama Bin Laden to grow in power and also resulted in many of these trained rebels joining the extremist group Taliban, who are connected with the al-Qaeda organization (both run by Bin Laden), who were responsible for the terrorist attacks of Septemer 11, 2001.

Did you get all that? Unquestionably, GEORGE GIPP IS RESPONSIBLE FOR 9/11! He obviously planned all of this from his deathbed. His family just made the connections and are exhuming his body for clues to his extremist Muslim sympathies. Oh, they’ll probably leak some story later about a bastard child coming out of the woodwork and claiming that the Gipper nailed his great-grandmother behind a tackling dummy 90 years ago, but you’ll know the truth. You’ll know.

Update: another blogger makes the slightly humorous case that Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis is behind the exhumation in an attempt to reanimate Gipp’s corpse to play for the struggling Irish against Boston College this Saturday. If that’s the case, you may ask yourself, why don’t they also dig up Lou Holtz, reanimate him, and return him to the coaching staff? I’ll tell you why: because the undead cannot be reanimated and are often hostile towards the living. Please don’t do it.

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*No, you don’t. You do it all the time.

Dear reader, did you make it this far? Then you might also enjoy Reggie Bush is in trouble.