Archive for October 10th, 2007

10
Oct

Joe Paterno is crazy

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NCAA Football

According to a web site I’ve never heard of, legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was involved in a road rage incident recently on the school’s campus.

A full account of the alleged incident is posted on a Penn State message board:

Yesterday, two grad students (husband and wife)that I know were driving on campus and being followed closely by a white car. The white car passes them and then cuts them off and pins them against the curb. The driver gets out and starts screaming obscenities at the woman (who was driving), flipping both middle fingers and repeatedly saying “do you know who I am!”. The irate screaming and cursing by the driver of the white car continues long enough for the campus police to arrive at which time the driver of the white car takes off. The woman is so shaken up that the police ask here if she’s OK to drive. The only thing they can think of that set the driver of the white car off was if they were driving too slow. They were both in some state of shock the rest of the day that Joe Paterno, a man they both admired, could act this way.
If this is the way our 80 yr. old head coach acts….can we be shocked our team captains act the way they do?

This is on the interweb, so I know it’s true. Another site covering the story reports that Paterno was asked about the incident but refused to comment. (Full disclosure: I played as a backup defensive end under Joe Paterno during their undefeated season and conference championship in 1994.*)

Joe “I’m Old” Paterno is widely regarded as a deity around Penn State (motto: “Yes, We’re Aware Pennsylvania Sucks”), so I doubt anything will come of this. At this point, it’s Joe’s word against two random grad students, who are one of the lowest lifeforms on the totem pole in any college town, just ahead of janitors and right behind squirrels.

This situation is equivalent to a Tallahassee hobo claiming Bobby Bowden stole his shoes and spit on his invisible dog. Nobody would care, because hobos aren’t real people, just like grad students. See how I tied that all together?

These crazies might as well try to claim that aliens probed their buttholes with soup ladles while whistling “Dixie”, it’s that ridiculous. Because everyone knows they use spatulas. Big, big spatulas.

* No, you definitely did not. You couldn’t tackle a running back if he was blindfolded with his shoes tied together. You have trouble performing basic everyday tasks like correctly aiming your pee into the toilet and not tripping over tree roots.

10
Oct

Panthers sign 43-year-old Vinny Testaverde

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

Carolina’s starting quarterback Jake “Boring Jake” Delhomme has opted to have season-ending elbow surgery, and his backup David Carr is still banged up following a win against the Saints last Sunday, so today the Panthers went out and signed 43-year-old Vinny Testaverde to a one-year deal. The 43-year-old Testaverde has played with Tampa Bay, Cleveland, Baltimore, the New York Jets, Dallas, and New England, and is now 43 years old. The 43-year-old will provide insurance behind David Carr, who is expected to recover and become the starter, and hopefully Vinny can impart some wisdom to the younger players because he’s freakin’ 43 YEARS OLD.

Just look at his photo, he looks like the “before” image on a Just For Men commercial. He has had some success in his career, but he’s six years older than Brett Favre. The Panthers might as well have hired Lou Holtz to be their backup QB. People in their forties are supposed to be making the most of their twilight years and preparing for death, not running from Dwight Freeney while filling up their adult diapers.

After signing, Vinny squinted and shook his fist at reporters and promptly broke his hip.

10
Oct

Johnson not to be fined for taunting Trent Green

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

In a surprise move, the NFL ruled that Texans’ lineman Travis Johnson will not be fined for taunting Miami quarterback Trent Green after Green’s attempted block on Johnson earned him a serious concussion. As Green lay motionless on the field, Johnson, angered by the unseen block, “sprinted over to Green and began shouting at him.” The water cooler talk this week largely expected Johnson to be hit by the league office for a small ($5,000 or so) fine for taunting. (Full disclosure: my office doesn’t even have a water cooler, I just overheard this in Hardee’s today.)

After the game, Johnson continued to rant about Green’s block:

“It was a malicious hit,” Johnson said. “It was uncalled for. He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean?”

Johnson, I give definite props to you for the Wizard of Oz reference, although you just lost all street credibility among non-whites. I’m surprised you didn’t talk about how you found a heart and a brain and then put on knee socks and move to Palm Beach to play golf.

Later, SI’s Peter King wrote of a text message exchange he had with a woozy Green,

King to Green, 5:14 p.m.: “peter king here. just texting to wish you well and to say hope you come out of this okay.”

Green to King, 9:06 p.m.: “Will b ok. Not like lst yr. TG.”

King to Green: 9:08 p.m.: “hey — how about johnson calling your block a malicious hit? feel better. peter.”

(And this is the one I found interesting.)

Green to King, 9:12 p.m.: “He outweighs me by over 100 lbs. Where shld I blk him? TG.”

For those of you who don’t remember, Trent Green suffered a devastating concussion during the 2006 season and missed half the year. He weighs 217 pounds to Johnson’s 315. So, upon seeing the incredibly large tackler sprinting toward his ball-handler, Green decides to get in the way and ATTACK JOHNSON’S KNEES WITH HIS HEAD. Surprisingly, this daring move get him knocked out cold and he is taken off the field in a stretcher.

Maybe this is why the Dolphins are 0-5.

Also, do Trent Green’s text messages remind anyone else of a thirteen-year-old girl? And not a smart one like the Asians in the spelling bee, I mean a slightly below-average one who still sometimes puts her underwear on backwards.

Proposed new NFL rule: when you knock someone out cold on the football field because of their own idiocy, you are allowed 30 seconds of taunting, jeering, or anything up to and including urinating on their motionless body. But only below the waist. Because, seriously, peeing on someone’s face is pretty rude. What can I say? My parents raised me as a gentleman. And a bear. My parents also raised me as a bear.

10
Oct

Vick possibly might owe $20 million to Falcons, maybe

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: NFL

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (motto: “Better than the real Constitution”), a key ruling was made that “clears the path for the Falcons to recoup $19.97 million in bonuses” from everyone’s favorite suspended quarterback. This money would be added to the salary cap for next year, which might allow the 1-4 Falcons to actually hire some talent and stop sucking. They are currently 26th in the NFL in total offense, just ahead of St. Louis and two spots behind the Powerpuff Girls.

The AP wrote,

The Falcons argued that Vick, who pleaded guilty to federal charges for his role in the long-running operation, knew he was in violation of the contract when he signed a 10-year, $130 million deal in December 2004.

The team said he used proceeds from the contract to fund his illicit activities and sought the repayment of $19,970,000 in bonuses he was paid over the last three years.

Vick has already been sued by an Indiana bank for repayment of $2 million in loans related to a car rental business (business name: “Hertz Dogs”), and by a Canadian bank for $2.3 million in real estate investments. Although, if that’s $2.3 million in Canadian dollars, that might only be $1.50 or so in US currency. I don’t know, it been a while since I headed the Federal Reserve bank and I was drunk most of the time.

Oh, and he also faces multiple federal dogfighting charges.

At least with all this stress, Vick still knows how to relax: he tested positive for marijuana use last month, causing a judge’s order to remain in his home every night under electronic surveillance. However, I think Michael Vick has a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering, so I’m still worried that he might be able to subvert the surveillance and sneak out to a LAN party.

Based on his actions, my best guess is that on January 1, 2007, after banging strippers all of New Year’s Eve, Michael Vick sat down to write out his New Year’s Resolutions for the 2007 year and his first one was: “Try to be a bigger douchebag than my brother Marcus“. I also like to imagine that he wrote it in purple crayon on a paper towel with his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth and a cute furrow in his brow.

At any rate, it was an admirable goal, but a tough one, because honestly Marcus is a pretty big jackass. But Michael persevered, and now, in the minds of America, he reigns supreme among the Vick brothers as the biggest douchebag of all.

Watch out for your cornhole, bud.

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