Archive for October 9th, 2007

09
Oct

Joe Torre no More-y?

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

joe torre

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner handed Joe Torre an ultimatum before the postseason started: beat the Indians in the ALDS or lose your job. Torre responded by holding up his metaphorical middle finger to George and dropping three out of four games to the Indians, much to the pleasure of everyone in the world who doesn’t live in New York City. It’s widely believed that in the next few days, the Big Stein will fire Hobo Joe and name Marion Jones as his manager and starting quarterback.

Before you tell me I’m mixing up my sports news, let me tell you that pet monkeys should be seen and not heard. Why did I pay to train you if all you will do is criticize my writing and shit in my kitchen sink? Seriously, not cool.

Current Cardinals manager and frequent masturbator Tony La Russa is rumored to be a candidate for Torre’s job, if he decides to leave St. Louis and live in a real city. Several other candidates have been mentioned, but none of them are humorous.

My question is, who wants to take over a team with only a $195 million payroll? How are you supposed to win a World Series when you’re paying your players chump change? It would be like giving steak knives to the cast of “The Old Adventures of New Christine” and telling them to take over North Korea.

Which, honestly, is a pretty good idea. Because ever since Seinfeld that Julia Louis-Dreyfus woman has kinda sucked.

julia

09
Oct

Marion Jones was fast

By thepostgame 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

marion jones

Last week, Marion Jones admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs during her star-studded career, including before her five-medal performance at the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia. If you were like me, your response was to tearfully think of the great moments she gave us during that performance and wonder why even the greatest of mankind can’t resist temptation. Just kidding, I kicked a kitten and went to Hardee’s. To be honest, I was high as a kite throughout the 2000 Olympics so if you told me Princess Di won five track and field medals there I would probably believe you.

Yesterday, Jones relinquished those five medals (three golds and two bronzanites) and agreed to forfeit all results dating back to September 1, 2000. Jones said during that period her then-coach Trevor Graham gave her a substance known as “the clear”, which is the same stuff Barry Bonds swallowed like coffee every day during the late 1990’s.

“I consumed this substance several times before the Sydney Olympics and continued using it after,” Jones told the judge. “By November 2003, I realized he was giving me performance-enhancing drugs.”

She said she “felt different, trained more intensely” and experienced “faster recovery and better times” while using the substance.

“He told me to put it under my tongue for a few seconds and swallow it,” she said. “He told me not to tell anyone.”

So, Jones took an unknown clear substance from her coach which he claimed was legal flaxseed oil but warned her “not to tell anyone she’s taking it”. She begins to experience better times and faster recovery. Over three years later, after numerous Olympic medals and championships, it begins to dawn on her that maybe she is taking illegal performance-enhancing drugs.

Either she’s still lying about her knowledge of the situation, or she’s less intelligent than my dog. And my dog eats his own poop.

There’s a very simple solution to all of this mess: keep the same rules for men, but allow women athletes to use “the clear”, steroids, horse testosterone, eye of newt, or any other substance they want to increase their performance. Then, make them race the men.

This would allow us to get rid of the outdated two-gender system (which is a bit chauvinistic, if you ask me), and place all track & field athletes on a level playing field. Imagine Maurice Greene’s surprise when he looks a lane over and sees a roided, ripped, he-she human with bloodlust in his/her eyes and a cameltoe in his/her pants. He would probably be so turned on he would miss the starter’s gun.

It would be like every top female sprinter suddenly stole Serena Williams’s body. (Serena, please don’t kill me with your massive thighs. Also, call me. I have a feeling you would be dynamite in bed.)

serena williams

09
Oct

“Romo” rhymes with…

By thepostgame 1 Comment
Categories: NFL

romo.jpg

Tony Romo threw five interceptions and lost a fumble, but a last second 53-yard field goal by rookie Nick Folk helped the undefeated Cowboys edge out the Buffalo Bills 25-24 Monday night in New York. It was a stunning fourth quarter comeback against the 1-4 Bills, whose only win this season is against the 1-4 Jets, whose only win is against the winless Miami Dolphins, who, to put it mildly, suck balls.

Romo did finish the game with over 300 yards passing, but it was against a Bills defense ranked 31st in the league, so it’s like a Doberman winning a fight against a baby poodle, assuming the poodle used zone blitzes but had a weak secondary.

The Cowboys were 4-0 before this game, and according to the smart people on TV, Tony “Superman” Romo was the best quarterback since sliced bread. Looks like he’s human after all.

In related news, University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow, also nicknamed “Superman”, is in the midst of a two-game losing streak, which makes me wonder if the Superman label is cursed. Also, “Romo” rhymes with “Tebow”, which also rhymes with a slang term for a gay male. Because I’m classy, I’ll let you figure it out.

It’s “homo”.

So, what am I saying? Am I saying that Superman is gay? Am I saying the Tony Romo and Tim Tebow and Superman have gay sex every week in the Fortress of Solitude and talk about football and linen curtains? And am I saying that Tony Romo always makes his famous guacamole dip and sometimes cries when they watch “Maid in Manhatten” and is usually on the bottom? Well, I’ll tell you what I’m not saying. I’m not saying my balls aren’t not big enough to not use for a computer desk. You figure that one out.

09
Oct

The Yankees continue to suck

By thepostgame 0 Comments
Categories: MLB

indians.jpg

Yankees starter Chien-Ming Wang (note to self: change last name to “Wang”) was chased in the second inning as the Indians won 6-4, eliminating the Yankees in four games and setting Cleveland up with an ALCS series against Boston. This marks the seventh straight non-championship year for New York after winning three straight from 1998-2000. These jokers have the highest payroll in the MLB, over $195 million dollars, which is a whopping $52 million ahead of second place Boston. To put that in perspective, there are five whole teams in the MLB with a payroll of less than $52 million (although, shockingly, none of them made the playoffs and three of them have trouble using the bathroom without assistance.)

I don’t have anything against trying to buy a World SeriesYes I do, but this is just embarrassing. When you have eleven players making over $10 million a year (not counting the 45-year-old Clemens, who was removed from the playoff roster before the game), you had better deliver a championship. I would almost feel sorry for their fans until I remember that it’s New York and I’m not even sure people from New York have human emotions. (This is completely based on what I’ve seen portrayed on movies and TV, so I feel confident that it’s accurate.)

I don’t follow the Yankees closely so I don’t know if it’s the fault of the offense, pitching, defense, management, or Jeter being distracted by the batboy’s shapely figure. With $195 million of Steinbrenner’s money to play with, I figured you could give Lindsay Lohan a dozen bottles of tequila and let her manage the team from California via text message and still make it to the World Series.

Hell, the Indians’ payroll is only about $61 million, which surprises me because I assume they have to pay their players a “Shitty Town” bonus to lure them to Cleveland. (This opinion is also based strictly on my TV viewing experience, because “The Drew Carey Show” was set there and that fat Mimi girl scares me. Also, let’s be honest, that show was pretty terrible.)