Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher is questioning the New England Patriots’ strategy of beating the shit out of their opponents. His recent comments came after the Patriots destroyed Washington 52-7 on Sunday, using a pair of fourth-quarter fourth down conversions and a late touchdown pass from the goal line.
“It’s risk and reward,” he said. “How long do you want your starters to play? You want to be careful. At some point if this continues, someone’s going to take a cheap shot. Is that worth subjecting your players to if it comes to that?
“You can say it’s playing football, but those are the decisions you have to make.”
New England is 8-0 before this weekend’s game with Indianapolis, and their average margin of victory, 25.5 points, is by far the best in the league.
Cowher, don’t you know that after losing to the Colts in the 2006 AFC championship game and getting caught spying on opponent’s defensive signals earlier this year, Bill Belichick is trying to prove that he’s fielding the best NFL team in history? How is he going to do that winning by only 14 or 17 points?
It’s like when Steven Seagal challenged me to hand-to-hand combat. Obviously, I kicked his ass, but as he lay on the ground writhing in pain and choking on his own nuts, I continued to stab him in the knees while I made sweet love to his woman. He attempted to rise up and hurl his Chinese throwing stars at me but I just caught them between my pecs and crushed them, laughing like a drunken camel.
Anyone above the age of conception knows that you must decimate your opponent to instill fear in others. If a kid throws eggs at my house tonight because I’m not giving out candy for Halloween, I will catch him and beat him with his own shoes in front of his friends, to teach them all a lesson. And that lesson is don’t come knocking on my door when I’ve got a girl in there who’s making out with my trouser snake. Which is pretty much always.
Probably isn’t the first time she was nailed by a bunch of football players on a Friday night.
I’m a little worried about kids today. I think they’re getting dumber than I was at that age, and I once stuck my wang in a window fan. Attention all highschoolers: log out of MySpace, turn off The Fray on your pink iPod Nano, and stop watching “The Hills.” You’re turning into a bunch of idiots.
^ I only hang out with NFL cheerleaders like this one, Miss Romi Bean
According to an ESPN.com article today, Grady Little has resigned as manager of the Dodgers for personal reasons, leaving the door wide open for Joe Torre to replace him as skipper. There has been widespread media speculation that Torre was heading to the Los Angeles after his decision to not resign with the Yankees, and The New York Post reported yesterday that “Torre had agreed in principle to a $14.5 million, three-year contract with the Dodgers.”
Los Angeles has the sixth-highest payroll in the major leagues, at over $108 million, yet they still finished the 2006 season 82-80, just the fourth-best record in the five-team National League West. That’s not quite as bad as, say, Baltimore ($95 million, 69 wins) or the Chicago White Sox ($109 million, 72 wins), but it’s still not very efficient.
Hell, the NL West-champion Arizona Diamondbacks only spent $52 million while going 90-72, the best record in the entire National League. Colorado, who made it to the World Series, only spent $54 million while going 90-73 (including a one-game playoff with the Padres).
I think the lesson here is clear: for the best dollars-per-wins ratio, don’t name your sports franchise after a city; name it after a state.
Oh, you think that’s a stupid theory? Don’t blame me if you can’t understand my complicated logarithmic regression analysis. I can’t help it if my brain is bigger than Jake Gyllenhaal’s vagina. God delivered it, I signed for it.
His name: Brian Collins. His occupation: awkward sportscaster. His reading skills: rudimentary, at best. His catchphrase: “Boom goes the dynamite.” Here it is, in all its glory.
(This is being posted for the 3% of the general population who have not yet seen this video. The other 114% can shut the fark up; you know you’ll watch it again anyway.)
And now, just for the hell of it, here’s Star Wars Kid.
